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August 20, 2004

Fug Star: Celebrities Who Think They're Musical

Apparently, if you are famous and considered gifted at something, it's common to think you're therefore good at everything. That is why we think so many celebrities start their own bands.

It was endearing and quirky when Kevin Bacon did it. It was low-key when Keanu Reeves did it. And it was embarrassing when Russell Crowe, Bruce Willis, and Matthew McConaughey did it -- although to be fair, the latter was just in his house at a party, nude and high and banging the bongos [note: not a euphemism]. But we bet he was still pretty embarrassed, if only because he was arrested for it.

Now, a rash of female celebs have decided they're rock stars, and have apparently decided to dress the part -- which is to say, as if they are blind.

Consider Jada Pinkett-Smith:

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Now, I'll give Jada that she looks comfortable. But I don't think someone who is approximately four-foot-six should be wearing loose-fit jeans and a tie-dyed pashmina-type item that looks to be about as tall as she is. But, okay -- really, the most amusing thing about this photo is how she looks while in the impassioned heat of the musical moment. So, with the point made that Jada's biggest issue is just that she really needs to go pants shopping, we shall move on to Juliette Lewis:

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Juliette: You are not rock's answer to Wonder Woman. You should not wear a capri-length jumpsuit with red accents and matching crimson boots. Once you've crossed into that territory, it doesn't matter if you can sing. It doesn't matter if your lyrics are the most heartfelt expression of human emotion since Jewel so memorably crooned, "My hands are small, I know," or Bryan Adams pondered so seriously, "Have you ever really, really really really, for reals, yo, really, no I mean it, REALLY, like, totally really, loved a woman?" It doesn't even matter if people in the crowd appear to be enjoying themselves. Your actual level of talent is MOOT when you are parading around in a costume they tossed off the Thunderbirds set for being too cheap-looking. Steven Tyler is allowed to try things. Hair bands from the 1980s are allowed to do whatever they want. But you, Juliette, are not allowed to wear that.

By the way, that's a remarkable pit stain. Maybe next time you decide to thrash on a hot stage, you shouldn't wear full-body spandex, or... whatever that godawful substance is. And while you're at it, pose carefully, because that position makes it look like you're wearing a man's protective cup over your Triangle, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do, because it's very clear that I'm talking about your vagina and the lumpy, extra-dark quality that particular nether-part takes on in this costume.

Off-topic: Every time I look at her face in this photo, my first thought is, "Did Stockard Channing give birth to this woman?"

Posted by Heather at 05:24 PM in Juliette Lewis | Permalink


This outfit actually makes the recent orange-shirt thing look like she's making an effort.

Posted by: Viki | Feb 3, 2005 6:57:41 PM

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