Fug Wars, Episode I: The Fug Menace

I have never found Natalie Portman appealing. I find her average-looking at best. But I'm not posting here to complain about her face; rather, to use her as an example of an annoying makeup trend:

We saw it at the Oscars last year, too: Eye-makeup deliberately done to make the person look as if she has bags and/or deep, dark circles under her eyes. Natalie Fugman up there is all dressed up in her finest, with a mug that appears not to have seen sleep since 1998, or which is the profuct of a four-day drug and alcohol bender. [And for good measure, with her expression Fugalie has apparently confused "sultry" with "pissed off and murderous."]

I will accept that Natalie Portman did good work in The Professional, and that she spawned a whole world of pedophilic fantasies -- that men refuse to let go of -- by starring in Beautiful Girls, thereby brainwashing every guy who's seen that movie to cling to the thin notion that she's a good actress. None of that has anything to do with her physical appearance, of course; I just wanted to vent because I saw a trailer for Closer this weekend, and you could have cast a piece of cedar in her role and the lines would've been imbued with more feeling and texture.

But, back on topic: Please, ladies, don't let these insane stylists run roughshod over your faces. It's smeared and sloppy and it flatters no one. It's like her face is a Scantron sheet, and somebody's No. 2 pencil colored outside the lines.