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August 10, 2004

Our Fugs Are Sealed

It appears that the overwhelming desire to fun oneself up is genetic. Take the Duff sisters [please, as the old joke goes]:

I am rather unsure of where to begin here -- there's the unfortunate headgear, the 2001-style hair extensions, the hot pink microphone -- but let's kick this off by stating the obvious: the Duffs are prime examples of individuals who don' seem to know how to dress around their figure flaws.

Hilary is guilty of this on a regular basis [Hilary, sweetpea? You don't have a waist or a neck. Stop pretending you do and start investing in v-neck tops.] For example, in this instance? Hilary, prepare yourself, because I'm not going to mince words: those are some hefty upper arms. Made heftier-looking by virtue of the fact that Hilary seems to have decided that it would be flattering if everything she wore was sort of vaguely skin-colored and a wee bit too small, the better to make her look like a walking sausage-casing [topped, of course, by the Pucci newsboy cap that she fished out of Sarah Jessica Parker's garbage bin back in 2002.] What you can't tell from this photo, by the way, is that Hilary's already unflattering pants are actually mid-calf-length capris. Which she's wearing with Converse, the better to showcase her cankles, I presume.

Hilary, Hilary, Hilary. Listen, I'm going to let you in on a secret. I'm a short girl, too, and while I've been lucky enough to escape the heartbreak of cankles, I can veer into Stumpytown if I'm not careful. Don't wear mid-calf-length capris with flats if you want your legs to look anything other than chopped off and tubby. Heels. Heels are your best friends. Wear them around the house. Wear them as slippers. Wear them in the shower. Wear them. And if you insist on flats, wear pants that skim the ankle, not the tubbiest part of your short little legs. Being young doesn't automatically insure that you look good in everything. And you could investigate wearing sleeves. Or lifting a weight now and then. Your call. Also, stand up straight. And that hair is only emphasizing the fact that, as formerly mentioned, you have no neck. You should maybe look into that.

And speaking of looking like fug despite the advantage of extreme youth, let's tackle Haylie, who, I must admit, doesn't really have the advantage of extreme youth as she appears to be approximately 36 years old. So, that shirt she's wearing? It's a knit tank top with sequins across the front. The better to emphasize what looks like a little beer belly. [And bless the beer belly. I fight it every day, and sometimes I lose. That's why I don't wear super tight knit tops on television.] Also, I'd like to congratulate her for wearing [mismatched, no less] pants with the pockets and zippers placed exactly where Ms Haylie appears to carry most of her weight: the hips and ass. Well played! Well-played indeed!

Look, I'm pleased that neither Duff is a lollypop. Go Fug Yourself doesn't recommend anorexia as a style choice, especially when the celebrity in question appeals primarily to teens. Teens: sandwiches are good! Keep eating them! However, when a girl has some body fat -- and most of us do -- she needs to work with it, not against it. [Look at Sara Rue, of ABC's Less Than Perfect. She's nowhere near a size 2, and she always looks adorable. Because she apparently owns a mirror.] Just because you can button it doesn't mean you should put it on.

And both of you, stand-up straight, for the love of God.

Posted by Jessica at 01:15 PM in Hilary & Haylie Duff | Permalink


I swear, I don't think I've ever seen them standing up straight!

Lose the hair extentions girls!

Posted by: Victoria | Feb 21, 2005 2:39:08 PM

hailey totally just makes HDu take her everywhere out of guilt. I would do the same.

Posted by: dangerlad. | Feb 25, 2005 10:21:34 PM

I must say that is the funniest damn thing I have read in quite a while. Bravo. It's good to know I'm not the only girl out there who believes Hillary Duff to be a complete idiot. Here's my main question though: HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET FAMOUS IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Her career should have ended after the failure that was Lizzie McGuire. Please, someone, end the torture, get her out of Hollywood.

Posted by: Autumn | Mar 8, 2005 4:31:44 PM

Bravo. You're 100% right: she has no waist, so she needs to realise it and wear clothes that don't make her look like a sausage tied in the middle. Bravo.

Posted by: Kelly | Mar 16, 2005 9:45:00 AM

sisters in love, just a thought.

Posted by: Love bird | Apr 3, 2005 11:38:07 AM

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