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August 30, 2004

VMAs: The Little FugMaid

I don't even know who this person is:

The caption tells me that her name is Syleena Johnson and Google tells me that she's a singer of some sort. Her website tells me that she's got a pretty decent voice. No one, however, will tell me why, in the name of God, she's wearing something that most closely resembles something Tonya Harding might choose to wear if she decided to launch a triumphant return to figure skating as the star of Mermaid Whores on Ice.

I'd also like to point out that this is the second mermaid whore of the evening. Is this a trend? In Brentwood, is Tori Spelling frantically trying to reach 90210's second season costume mistress to see if she's still got Tori's mermaid costume from That Episode Where Kelly Dressed Like a Slutty Witch and Got Punished For It When That Guy Tried to Rape Her, Thank God Steve Thwarted Him? Because I don't know if I can handle that.

Posted by Jessica at 11:05 AM in VMAs | Permalink | Comments (0)

VMA Fug Carpet: The Duffs

Hilary's recipe for dressing up as if she belongs at a rock event:

1. When in doubt, wear black, especially smeared under your eyes.

2. The more suspiciously superfluous straps, the better, especially if at least one is falling down off your shoulder.

3. Gold chains make anything look hard-core -- when you think you've got on exactly the right number, add two more.

4. Do not be afraid to mix metals, such as heavy gold accessories with heavy silver trim on your shoes. It gives the appearance of not having tried.

5. If you have stumpy gams, share them! Mere hours before the ceremony, take scissors -- the world's greatest fashion tool! -- and hack off the bottom of your designer trousers to create a kicky shorts-based ensemble.

6. Slouch! And then, slouch more.

7. Bring a tranny with you so that everyone will be buzzing about whether it's a pre-op or a post-op, instead of talking about your lame outfit.

Posted by Heather at 10:24 AM in Hilary & Haylie Duff, VMAs | Permalink | Comments (6)

VMA Fug Carpet: Hulk Hogan's spawn

I know Hulk Hogan is from a world where women are encouraged -- nay, ordered -- to prance around in at least half of a bikini, if not a whole one. But I feel like it becomes much creepier when he's got his daughter dressing in a similar manner.

Adding to the skeeve: The fact that he appears to be gesturing toward his daughter's barely-concealed crotch, as if to say, "See this? Would you like some?" Although it's also possible he was talking to Lil' Kim at the time, and simply pointing out how a girl can wear a revealing dress and still not leave her clitoris hanging out.

Still, this whole mer-goddess look does nothing for me, and honestly, I don't think it does much for La Hogan either. I feel like Britney would have worn this to the VMAs... two years ago.

But at least she's not going to get any bug bites with all that mosquito netting swirling around her legs.

Posted by Heather at 10:13 AM in VMAs | Permalink | Comments (2)

VMA Fug Carpet: Lil' Kim

I was going to compliment Lil' Kim on her relative modesty this year, considering that only 98 percent of the total acreage of her breasts was visible to the public. Not a nipple in sight. But then I caught a full-body shot of her arrival:

In that dress she looks like some kind of deranged peacock-turned-synchronized swimmer. Also:

Dear Lil' Kim:

Congratulations. You have a vagina. But you know what? So do I. Yet when I'm in public it somehow, magically, manages to stay inside my pants. If you would like some tips on vaginal concealment, I suggest that you contact some professionals -- like, say, Diane Keaton's stylist. I think that person could teach you a lot.

Yikes,
Heather

Posted by Heather at 10:11 AM in Lil' Kim, VMAs | Permalink | Comments (4)

VMA Fug Carpet: Lizzie Grubman

Lizzie Grubman is very embarrassed that she forgot to put on her dress over her slip:

Lizzie Grubman is also embarrassed that she backed an SUV into a crowd of people, has overbleached hair, never got braces, has tanned and starved herself into looking like old pal Tara "Implants of Granite" Reid, and has become so desperate for fame, redemption, and recognition that she hired a bunch of pretty girls so that MTV would agree to make a show about the "exciting" world of cock-sucking -- er, "public relations."

But that's embarassment on a more long-term, cosmic level. Right then, in that photographed moment, she was just kind of humiliated about the dress thing.

Posted by Heather at 10:07 AM in VMAs | Permalink | Comments (0)

August 27, 2004

Dr. Fuggood!

I read today that both Tommy Lee and Vince Neil are going to have reality shows. Tommy Lee's is going to be about him going to college [and, presumably, banging co-eds in the back of the student union]. Vince Neil's is about his attempt at a comeback, with the help of a makeover. Um, yeah. I think Vince could use a makeover. Regardez:

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Tommy looks decent -- he even looks somewhat like an aged pre-mullet JC Chasez in that photo -- but Vince? Apparently his house of whores turned into a house of horrors turned into a House of Pies.

Posted by Jessica at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

August 26, 2004

I'm A Slave For Fug

Ma! Billy Ray! Break out the Cheetos and the Two-Buck Chuck, ya heah, 'cuz Cousin-Aunt Britney done near outfugged herself:

Look, Brit, there are some things so easy that even a female Ralph Wiggum like yourself can figure them out. Like underpants. THEY GO UNDER THINGS. Like, say, YOUR PANTS. Underwear is not meant to wrap around your thigh -- it's meant to leave something about your pubic grooming to the imagination -- and it's not meant as a protective measure so that you can wear fugly loose-fitting clothes that fall off your soiled ass, yet not worry about the paparazzi snapping a picture of your (wilted, dying) flower. And see those seams halfway down your shirt? Those are supposed to be BELOW your breasts, not riding so far up above one of them that you're fixin' to get put into some kind of cotton chokehold.

Finally, for the love of god, BRUSH YOUR HAIR.

That is all.

For now.

Posted by Heather at 06:27 PM in Britney Spears | Permalink | Comments (7)

Back to the Fug: Famous Fugs in History

Ah, August. When celebrity events are few and far between and Hollywood's fugliest have retreated to their barracks to rejuvenate with refreshing chemical peels and microdermabrasion, and the chroniclers of Fug find themselves Fug-free, and at loose ends.

Friends, it is then that we look to the past. Shakespeare -- a man who really knew how to wear a pair of pantaloons -- said, "What is past is prologue," and, as usual, he was right. What goes around once usually comes around again, and, man, have we seen some fug in our time. And what better way to fight the fug than to acknowledge its place in our shared history?

And thus we begin with one of the defining moments in the history of fug, Demi Moore's Fug Heard 'Round the World:

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Cue Bruce Willis's inner monologue:

"Dear God, what is Demi wearing? Did she forget the front of her dress? Or is it... a train? Or... something? I'm so confused. Should I say something to her? But what would I say? 'Honey, you didn't attach the front part of your dress'? But maybe she's wearing this on purpose. But how is that even possible? Everyone can see her whatcamacallits -- her control top body slimmer short thingies. But how could she have forgotten something as basic as her skirt? All the rest of her is totally done up. The short thingies totally don't match the rest of her get-up. It's got to be a mistake. Should I have said something before we left the house? I should have. She's going to kill me for this. But no, it must be on purpose. She would feel the draft otherwise. But how could this be on purpose? She's wearing bicycle shorts. I don't understand. I'm just going to stand here in my tuxedo and look uncomfortable. Man, I don't know if I can take this anymore. Maybe we should get a divorce."

Posted by Jessica at 12:00 PM in Classic Fug | Permalink | Comments (0)

August 25, 2004

Mystery Fug

I know we just recently visited this territory, but the repeated appearance of Courtney Peldon at various events alongside people of demonstrably greater purpose in the acting world begs the question: Seriously, and we're not kidding, who are you, Courtney Peldon? And why do you keep showing up places dressed like a buffoon and posing for photographers in impossibly cutesy, saccharine contortions?

In a SHOCKING turn, Courtney has gone with something short and form-fitting, with thigh-high boots! Who could've predicted it! The strange stain-like blotch is an interesting wrinkle. It's very hip to run around town looking like you just dropped a meatball on your lap.

But who is this bozo? Aside from guesting on episodes of Boston Public and MTV's Undressed, Courtney Peldon hasn't done that much -- but she has achieved one remarkable feat: At the ripe young age of 23, she has given herself the look and feel of a 32-year old woman who is desperately trying to trick people into thinking she's 19. It's quite a stunning achievement.

Perhaps the question is, who the hell does Courtney Peldon think she is? I suspect she thinks she's Hilary Duff or Kaley Cuoco, but really she's some hybrid who has tricked people into thinking she might be Hilary Duff, so they'd better not turn her down at the door, or else she'll start singing as a form of torture. There's a touch of The Insanity in her always-wide-open blue eyes, and there's a touch of the ho in all of her clothing.

I mean, honey, if you HAVE to advertise...

IMDb is no help as to understanding this Courtney Peldon thing -- her bio names her, first and foremost, as "Ashley Peldon's older sister." Okay. And who the hell is Ashley Peldon? "Younger sister of Courtney Peldon." It boggles the mind. I mean...

Who wears this to a CELEBRITY GOLF event? Don't they know that "golf clubs" are a THING and not a mad-hip party place? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE THEY INVITED TO THINGS? That only encourages them to put on hooker shoes and pose! Stop the madness!

Posted by Heather at 03:35 PM in Courtney Peldon | Permalink | Comments (0)

8 Simple Rules For Fugging My Teenage Daughter

Kaley Cuoco and The One On The Left With The Red Hair Who Isn't Kaley Cuoco showed up at an American Eagle event looking like their closets threw up on them.

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For starters, less-Famous Redhead, that is WAY too many inches of flipped-up cuff. It makes you look strange and squat. And I just kind of hate the shoes -- I have a real thing against clear shoes. There is nothing attractive to me about shoes that are transparent. It looks like a giant fly landed across her foot.

And so we come to Kaley Cuoco, whose outfit is so fug that even if one were color-blind and seeing it only as a series of grays, it still would look wrong.

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Kaley, three words: We get it. We KNOW you are thin. We know you have a tan. We know you have nice abs. You are to be commended for this; now, please, you don't need to push down your pants while posing on the red carpet. Incidentally... are those pants? Or are they capris? No trouser should hit you at the ankle, least of all greenish-hued businessy pantpris that not only look silly with your "rocker chic" upper half, but with the bright yellow shoes you're sporting. Those, alone or with a different outfit, might have worked. But with your insistence on looking like you want to hang out backstage at a Stones concert in the hope that Mick Jagger might come offstage, trip, and accidentally find himself tearing off your shirt... well, leave the yellow pumps out of it, please.

Posted by Heather at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

 

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