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August 30, 2004

VMAs: Fugly From the Block

Dear America,

I am Jennifer Lopez and I am so very happy! Look at me kicking up my heels in pure glee! Glee! I'm gleeful! And why? Have you seen my husband? [I haven't seen him tonight myself because we're sort of pretending we're not married, but come on, girl, you saw those paparazzi photos I released to the Star.] My whole life I've been dreaming about this man, you know? Our relationship is so, so real.

Oh, there he is! Lookit him! Look!

I have dreamed -- yes, mi amores, dreamed -- about someone like Marc. He's so... weensy and bird-like and man-tanned and Living Dead-y. What girl doesn't long for a man who looks embalmed? He's my own adorable little leathery Manoerexic, Tanorexic Marc! I tried to put him in this handbag I have here, but his left arm wouldn't fit, no matter how I tried. My handgun takes up a lot of space in there.

Okay, enough about Marc. Let's talk more about me, America. Are you not totally wild about my hat? I am. I wear it a lot. You've probably seen it before. It's part of my Zorro costume, the one that my stylist won't let me wear out of the house. She'll see the light soon enough -- and by "soon enough," I mean, "When the brakes on her Land Rover stop working." Hahahaha! I'm sorry, I don't mean that. Forget I said it. Forget it.

And check out the shoes! I carved them myself out of the ivory tusk of an elephant I had killed for me, and then I popped them into the toaster oven until they turned that nice nutty brown color. They're part of my new J Lo shoe line! And how do you like the ruffles on my dress-thing? They clash, don't you think? They're so kicky! Like my new movie, Shall We Dance, which will be in theatres in November. Go see it. Seriously, America. See it.

Speaking of the dress thingie, isn't taupe a deliciously festive color? Someone told me I looked like a walking See's Candies Butterscotch sucker, but I fired him. Do candies wear sparkling sequined belt? Do candies wrap themselves in spandex-satin that totally squashes their boobs down? No, sir, they do not!

How about my ugly jewels? None of them match! In fact, my entire outfit is all about not-matching. Because, and I don't know if you've heard this, but I'm totally real. Seriously, don't be fooled by the rocks that I got... because they're ugly! Hahahahahah! Did I mention how fucking happy I am? I'm so very really really happy. I am not upset about that whole no-wedding thing with WhatsHisName -- Bob Fleefleck? Bill Kerfluck? Brett Whoffleck? -- at all. Not at all. I am totally over it. Totally, totally over it. So over it. Write that down, America! J Lo: HAPPIER THAN FUCKING EVER.




Posted by Jessica at 04:35 PM in Jennifer Lopez, VMAs | Permalink


Te sigo amando y mamando!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Fulano De Tal | Feb 1, 2005 6:05:34 AM


Posted by: Fulano De Tal | Feb 1, 2005 6:06:18 AM

Are those _feathers_ on her shoes??? And aren't they 3 sizes too big?

WHY, when a woman has such GORGEOUS hair, does she cover it up with a fugly hat??

And - regarding the man - why bother wearing a suit if you're gonna leave your shirt unbuttoned and not bother with a tie.

I mean, should've just worn t-shirt and jeans, and look like you bothered. A Bit.

Posted by: GB in GB | Feb 19, 2005 7:51:26 AM

Marc Antony looks like a freeze dried catfish. JLo should share some Glow.

Posted by: AngieQ | Feb 24, 2005 7:05:08 PM

Why J .. Why??

Posted by: CharT | Mar 8, 2005 12:04:14 PM

OK so having stolen the mythical winged slippers from Hermes and butchered an apparently lovely dress to top it off with an aero dynamic chic sobrero JLO is officially ready for flight.

While enjoying a birds eye view of her superficial, self-absorbed, stuck up their asses celebrity friends she swoops down to carry away the dried up stick that is Marc Anthony to use as lumber for her nest.

Ain't fugly grand :)

Posted by: catalyst | Mar 9, 2005 8:52:09 PM

When the picture first started loading, I was confused by the hat. As it continued to load, I thought to myself "Oh! What a lovely dress!" I kept thinking this until it got to the waist, and which point I screamed "Holy fug!" There is not a single component of this outfit that matches with any of the other components!! And has anyone else noticed how she is always so monotone? Her hair, makeup, and clothing are always all variations of tans and browns.

Posted by: Samantha | Apr 6, 2005 12:54:36 PM

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