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October 06, 2004

Fug Watch: Celebrity Facial Hair

This photo of Keanu Reeves came from an fug-eyed reader:

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What is Keanu thinking? Is he marveling that strange things are afoot at the circle K? Stunned that ER is still on the air? Saying to himself, "Wow, that Spears kid has moxie"? Silently counting back to the last time he bathed, and realizing he's gone an impressively long time without soap? Pointing to his beard as if to brag, "Lookit! I can grow pubic hair on my jaw!"? Or is he simply trying to remember who he is, and what he once looked like?

Somebody please send him a Gillette care package.

Meanwhile, here's Billy Crudup:

There's something slimy and skeezy about the new, wan outcropping on his chiseled chin. It seems to accentuate his demonic angles. And with the hair grease it gives the impression that he thinks he's about to sell you a pre-owned Dodge, with all of the innate, exciting social status that comes with a new Dodge, yet none of the sticker shock.

But you know what, Billy Crudup? I don't want your tainted used car. [Yes, that's right, I said used, sucka-bitch -- what of it? Go pre-own a shower or something.] I don't want to come within twenty yards of your hair grease that looks like it hasn't been changed in a month. And I want you to keep your titian-haired Nancy Drew of a chin in the bathroom, until such time as it has been eradicated with a razor or a bucket of Nair. You look squirrelly, kind of like you might run out on your eight-months pregnant girlfriend to take up with your beanpole co-star and... oh. Ah.

Well, carry on, then, I suppose, Billy.

Posted by Jessica at 01:56 PM | Permalink


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