October 29, 2004
Goodbye Fug -- For Now: Lil' Kim
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Lil' Kim.
I know. I can't believe it either. No breasts hanging out. No crotch-shots. No ass cheeks. Almost no skin at all! In fact, I would almost dub this outfit overly demure, if I wasn't scared of sending her back over the precipice to Hootch Canyon. Instead, I raise a glass of Cristal to you, Kim, and congratulate you on cleaning up so nicely. I'm not wild about the bangs, but I love the shoes and overall, you look adorable. Adorable, and clean. Well played, my dear. I'm so proud.
October 28, 2004
I don't think there was a Wild West theme at this Mercedes-Benz event in honor of diabetes research:
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]
Unless these two were going for a massive visual metaphor -- "The insane world of diabetes research is like the Wild West. Anything goes!"
You can just see her swinging those hips through a saloon door and heading behind the bar, huffing a cleansing fog of breath onto a moonshine glass and wiping it idly while the boys busy themselves playing poker. And then Alfred Molina lays down aces, so Tim McGraw pulls his six-shooter and upturns the table while Thomas Jane scoops up Ms. A and carries her to safety over his shoulder and onto the back of his trusty steed.
And, with luck, straight into a Barney's after a quick stop at the barber shop. For the love of God, man, the beard didn't work when it ate Kilmer's face, so stop it from swallowing your own.
This woman wrote, directed, and acted in a movie called Kiss The Bride. I just felt like sharing that, since I had to go look it up, as I was concerned she was yet another "designer" who would be inflicting her fashion sense upon the world.
That being, of course, the rainbow legwarmers. Her shins look like scrunchy racks and a discount accessories store. And I realize that heat rises and cold air sinks, but is she that tall that her body has two climates? Her bare shoulders and arms are comfortable, yet her calves needed to wear individual coats?
Random Fug: Jenny McShane
This is Jenny McShane. You may recognize her from the important work she did in Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Cyborg Cop III, and Hit The Dutchman, the latter of which I'm not sure is a movie or a game show.
Jen showed up at a fashion show recently in this very special ensemble, befitting the kind of actress who can star in the original Shark Attack in addition to its third installment -- as two different characters, and without anyone being the wiser.
It looks like she took her flannel pajamas to a tailor and had them taper and cuff the bottoms (the better to show off her silver ankle boots, my dear). It's like she's at a slumber party for the children of strippers.
She's inspired me. I'm going to go see if I can turn my ski pants into culottes.
My Fugly Ending
Remember that Sweet Valley High book where Elizabeth gets in the motorcycle accident and ends up in a coma and when she comes out of it, she thinks she's Jessica and so she acts all slutty and difficult and almost sleeps with Bruce Pattman -- even going so far as to let him touch her boob! -- until, right before she gives it up to Bruce, she drunkenly rolls over and conks her head on the coffee table, and that knocks the Elizabeth back into her?
I think that's what's happened to Hilary Duff:
Except, for "Jessica," read "Avril Lavigne." And, as clearly demonstrated by the photo above, Hilary/Elizabeth has not yet slammed her head against any furniture. So, by my calculations, this means that Hilary is about 15 minutes away from letting that kid from Good Charlotte grab her left breast.
Paparazzi, remain vigilant!
October 27, 2004
Kabbalah Fugs: The Sisters Peldon
Throw a party in honor of a book about a piece of red yarn, and all the stars come out to play. To wit: BOTH Peldon sisters came out of their fug chambers to support something they don't actually wear:
Now, from the hips up, Courtney looks normal. From the hips down, she appears to have left on half of her wet suit. Or her bike shorts. Or her wrestling tights. I don't know what is going on there, but I do know it's comforting that she can find a way to fug up a simple white tank top.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Ashley Peldon, sister of Courtney Peldon:
You know, she might've had me if she'd thrown a white tank under that coat, which is a bit cute on its own. But instead, she thought to herself, "You know what makes ME feel like a natural woman? SEQUINED PINEAPPLES," and threw on that that shirt and some lipstick that looks like she glued the Mystical Bracelet of Power to her mouth.
She's no Courtney -- not yet -- but the foundation is certainly there for a rich lifetime of fugly choices in the highly imitable (if you are blind, or super drunk) style of her scary sister.
I leave you with this:
I figured it out, guys! Courtney Peldon is in the circus. That's who she is.
Fugly Richter Controls the Fugliverse
Look. I like Paget Brewster a lot. Her name is cool. She was cute on Friends -- remember when Joey found out about her and Chandler and made Chandler live in the box? Those were good times. And she was really charming on the one episode of Andy Richter I saw. And her character even had my name, which I love. She's adorable!
She appears to have lost her mind.
Can we not agree, as a people, in 2004, that it is not okay to wear a dress that consists solely of very small pleats? Especially when the dress is not really a dress, but actually a shirt from Pea in the Pod? I mean, I appreciate that this is an outfit that flatters one's hot legs whilst concealing any sort of bloating issues -- and what women doesn't appreciate a nice bloat-concealing ensemble? -- but it...well, Paget, kid, it looks like a lampshade. A lampshade that might blow up in a strong wind and show everyone your brewster, if you know what I mean.
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]
Be careful out there.
October 26, 2004
Radio Music Awards: Fuglee Simpson
"Hi, y'all! Come on, give it up for me! Yeah! I'm battling through a frightening attack of acid reflux disease -- you might have heard about it, because it forced me to use a vocal aid during my Saturday Night Live performance. That pesky acid reflux is a throat-killer! I was hoarse, y'all! This is dangerous stuff!
"But I strapped on my wrestling boots and my tutu and I'm fighting it, y'all, and tonight I'm standing here proudly in my black bra and green belt that matches none of what I have on with it, and I'm going to sing WITHOUT help! That's right, you heard me even through my decimated acid-reflux voice, which sounds exactly like my regular voice but with more of a complaining tone. NO HELP! Nada! And you are going to like it!
"Sure, it might sound like wailing, and sure, you might want to plug your ears, and yeah, they might start to bleed. And fine, okay, my Dad is a scary and controlling jackhole. But you have to be as brave as I am, yo! We can't let terrorists like acid reflux and my father win, y'all -- and I am going to lead the charge. In the immortal words of Enrique Iglesias, 'Let me be your hero!'"
Radio Music Awards Fug Carpet: Aaron Carter
Lindsay. Hilary. Are you here? Because you need to see something.
This is the guy you were fighting over? This is what started a feud that's gone on for, what, two years now? This squirrelly little wuss in a backwards trucker hat was worth all that? The kid is wearing sweatshirt sleeves on his blazer! And his mismatched striped shirt is cut way too low -- I never wanted to see that much adolescent underdevelopment. Oh, but the dog tags are a nice touch, considering that he is a veteran of The War of the Starlets. He's so brave.
Ladies, good job moving on from this. But... why were you there in the first place? Couldn't you have fought over, say, Chad Michael Murray instead?
Radio Music Awards Fug Carpet: Alanis Morissette
I'm happy Alanis Morrissette freed herself from a hostage situation so she could come to the RMAs, but she could've cut off the electrical tape and gotten dressed before showing up on the red carpet.