December 19, 2004
Happy Fugging Holidays: Letter of Fug III
Oh my God, you guys, merry Christmas! Happy Ch -- Han --- Chaan -- yeah, I totally can't spell that, y'all. The one with the candles and the potato pancakes like they serve at Arby's? Happy that! And Happpy New Year!
I just can't wait to see what happens in 2005, because I bet it will totally involve me having a little baby and then Cletus will love me forever for reals because when you have a baby with a lady you are not allowed to leave her, except for when that happened with Shar, but that's totally different because of how Shar wouldn't let Cletus do things that were really important to him, like how he's researching the medical effects of marijuana on his glaucoma.
I know you are totally wondering why I look so happy in my furry hat and the truth is that I am happy because my furry hat is actually kind of cute but I am really mostly happy because I am thinking about my awesome New Years resolutions, which totally rock, y'all. My New Years resolutions are to have a little baby and also to stay out of the way of the Fug Girls because they are really not very nice to me even I know they say what they do because they want the best for me and they're worried that I got worms from walking into public restrooms barefoot but what they don't know is that public restrooms are really very clean. But anyway I have two whole weeks to wear WHATEVER I WANT because Go Fug Yourself is going on Winter Holiday Hiatus until January 3rd and I am TOTALLY going to walk around barefoot with my thong hanging out and I'm not going to wash my hair or wash my face or brush my teeth for TWO WHOLE WEEKS because there's NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT IT HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
[Editorial note: if Britney does anything just mind-bogglingly godawful and terribly alarming, like get married again, we'll be on the case. Otherwise, dear readers, have a wonderful holiday and a fantastic New Year. Thank you for your readership and remarkable support of us this year, and we'll see you in 2005! Love, Heather and Jessica]
December 17, 2004
Meet The Fuggers
Dear Teri Polo,
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb>
You have a choice: eat a sandwich, or wear a shirt that covers up your very bony sternum. Because you're kind of freaking me out and not in that funny Britney Spears Walks Into a Public Restroom In Her Bare Feet, Inviting Worms and Warts And God Knows What Else kind of way.
Also, you're sort of starting to look like a man. Body fat. Please look into it.
Sincerely, for once in her sarcastic life,
December 15, 2004
Pretty In Fug
Oh, Molly, why?
[Reader submitted photo]
Do you really think Jake Ryan is going to want to go out with you now? Pucci, theoretically, is, as the Manolo might say, the super fantastic. But not when it actually makes you look, you know, poochy.
It bears adding that I still haven't recovered from what Molly Ringwald did to that perfect innocent pink party dress in Pretty in Pink. Did you really think that tapered skirt was a good idea, Molly? Because you were wrong.
It's always nice to see someone in Hollywood trying to go the tasteful route with her clothing -- which is why it hurts oh-so-much when they make the fateful misstep of forgetting to go to a tailor:
Maybe Jacinda lost a lot of weight immediately after buying this dress -- or maybe she figured buying it two sizes too big would make her look more svelte. But no, with this oversized shift, she looks shrunken and emaciated. Her breasts don't fit or fill it out. The dress is billowing in the wrong places and bunching at the side, because the very thin yellowish belt cinching the front is really just sort of acting... well, like a curtain rod, in a way. Perhaps she took those old Gap sketches on SNL too seriously and figured just belting something would make it fit like a glove. Sadly, it works against her.
And so another perfectly pleasant-looking person fugs herself by virtue of something as simple as not opening the Yellow Pages.
Pieces of Fug: Part INFINITY
Ashlee Simpson simply can not dress herself. Forget all the hoopla surrouding the issue of her ability to actually sing. Has anyone checked to make sure the girl can even see?
December 14, 2004
Why Puberty Is Hard, as overheard at a recent Harry Potter function:
Rupert Grint: Cripes, how can I see with all this hair in my face?
Emma Watson: I am about to burst into tears.
Daniel Radcliffe: I've suddenly developed an obsession with Morrissey, hence my monocromatic black ensemble.
Rupert Grint: "Rupert Grint" is a really terrible name, isn't it? I wonder if I can convince people to start calling me "Tony."
Emma Watson: Hasn't anyone noticed that I look like I am going to cry? Hasn't anyone noticed that I've been forced to wear my father's pants, turned into knickers? With trainers? Hello? Anyone? Won't anyone comfort me?
Daniel Radcliffe: I just realized that I am wearing an overly large polo shirt buttoned up to the neck. I feel very, very uncomfortable all of a sudden.
Rupert Grint: Also, Dan? You kind of need a hair cut.
Daniel Radcliffe: Thanks for the newflash, Shaggy. Why aren't you more concerned about my brows, which seem suddenly to be reaching Peter Gallagher-esque proportions?
Emma Watson: HELLO? Two seconds away from hot, fresh tears here! I am an ADORABLE GIRL and LOOK AT WHAT I AM WEARING.
Daniel Radcliffe: You do look a bit as though you raided Mary Stuart Masterson's closet from 1983. But with worse pants.
Emma Watson: You weren't even born in 1983, so why don't you shut up?
Daniel Radcliffe: Why don't YOU shut up?
Emma Watson: YOU.
Rupert Grint: I am just going to back away from this situation verrrry verrry slowly. If I escape now, maybe no one will notice that my trousers are both too long and rather dirty.
Emma Watson: [crying] I can see you trying to sneak off. It's because you're embarassed to be seen with me in these knickers, isn't it, Rupert? ISN'T IT?
Rupert Grint: No, it's because...well, actually, yes. They're really rather horrible. Why is the crotch so long? [TO SELF: Oh my God, did I just say "crotch" to a girl? I want to die.]
Daniel Radcliffe: Don't let him get to you, Emma. If this double decker bus behind us crashes into us, to die by your side? Is such a heavenly way to die.
Emma Watson: I want to go home.
December 13, 2004
crazy/fugliful II: uncapitalized fug boogaloo
We knew Kirsten Dunst was making a scary transition into a geriatric, but we didn't realize it was going to be so permanent:
Judging by this reader-submitted photo, Granny Dunst is getting ready -- sartorially speaking -- to buy a condo in Naples, Florida, where her braless breasts can finally complete their frantic surge toward her knees. She will don her flowery frock over her jazzercise leggings, grab her bermuda purse, and shlep to bridge, not bothering to shower because Eau d'Old Lady is potent enough that the rest of the foursome won't smell the sweat.
[Also, she doesn't have time -- she has to go home first to find Edna's BeDazzler, which she's had for months even though she finished plugging her shoes with lead a long time ago. If Edna doesn't get it back then she can't loan it to Madge, and if Madge doesn't get it in time to make her denim caftan sparkle before Tuesday's Red Lobster Seniors' Night mixer, well, she'll never fork over her recipe for Stewed Pork Chops In Prune Sauce.]
Okay, there's no time for introductory chit chat when it comes to a case of fug this henious:
Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.
In one outfit, you've got:
a) a cropped AND belted jacket
b) with puffed sleeves
c) made of pink lame
d) and accessorized with a Carrie-Bradshaw-circa-2002-big-flower-pin
e) worn with low-rider genie pants
f) and a bowler hat.
Shouldn't someone be doing something about this? Does LeeLee have no one to step in and tell her that she looks like a deranged transsexual with a Charlie Chaplin fetish and a jones for Hammer pants? I mean, isn't she secretly some kind of Russian countess or something? Isn't this the sort of look that would get a girl sent to Siberia? Can someone get on that?
December 10, 2004
Billboard Awards: Letter of Fug Part II
It's Britney again! I know we just talked and all, but I totally wanted to show that, seriously, y'all, I can totally clean up good. See?
Photo courtesy Daily Celeb
Let's not even talk about how fine my hubby is. He is so,so fine. I have to tell you a secret, though: I totally miss his shorts, y'all. That patch of skin between where Kevvie's tube socks end and his frayed, cut-off manpris begin is so hot! I want to lick it! Yummy! But doesn't he look totally hot in that hat? It's kind of like this hat that Justin used to wear someti -- I mean, never mind. Never mind. I never said that, y'all. Anyway, I totally wanted Kevvie to wear these formal manpris I made for him last week by taking this pair of tuxedo pants that Justin left here once back when we where still together that I refused to give back to him and cutting off the bottom of them so they would be all frayed but my mother said no and I was like, blah blah blah Mom, I'm totally married now and if I want my husband to wear Justin's old tuxedo pants as cutoffs to an awards show I TOTALLY CAN but then she distracted me with this shiny Christmas tree ornament we got from Walmart last week and grabbed the tuxedopris from me and threw them in the fireplace which is TOTALLY NO FAIR, but whatever, he looks hot in the suit ANYWAY.
But let's talk about my outfit because it is so totally cute. When the salesgirl at the Dress Barn told me that I looked like a lampshade, I knew I had to have it. Also, when I was getting ready and Jamie Lynne was helping me and brushing my hair -- and she brushed it really, really hard, y'all, I almost cried -- and she told me I looked like a refugee from a Third World road tour of the Ice Capades, I knew it was the right choice for tonight because Jamie really loves ice skating. Then she said something about how at least my hair doesn't look like I brushed it with a Mix Master and I totally don't know what that means but I am pretty sure it was nice.
Seriously, though, don't Kevin and I look super happy together? They took this picture right after I told him that one of my Christmas presents to him was the joint checking account he was asking for, so he could write ME checks of love just like I write for him. Isn't that the sweetest? I can't wait until Justin Timberlake and that skinny, cracked out ho he's running around with see how happy I am! With my HUSBAND! HAHAHAH JUSTIN I WIN. Even though I still love you. I mean, I love NOT BEING WITH YOU.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Y'ALL!
Fug You, Mom
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
What does one wear to a party honoring one's mother, and her charitable foundation? Why, a t-shirt with a skull sticking out its impish tongue, that's what. I mean, why represent your family and support your mother in a classy way, when greasy grubbiness is so much easier?
Check out Mischa Barton's sister Anya, with her hands buried deep in her coat pockets. The expression on her face is like, "I'm not with him. And if I keep my hands in here, I won't catch anything."