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May 17, 2005

Fug Right

Okay, look, you. Yes, you, all you party people here at Wango Tango -- I see you thinking. I see those wheels turning, wondering if I am dressed like this because I have just escaped from some kind of insane asylum, and am medicated into thinking that I have wandered out onto the lawn to tell you hoodlums to stop peeing on the begonias. I know you are wondering if my Mark is trying to make me hide my light under a piece of gaffer tape. But you don't get it, hahaha! I win! I have lived in Miami so long, I have had a fashion epiphany! Eureka! I have created geriatric punk!

But you're still looking, and thinking. Don't think I don't know. I see you watching your magazines and your Alias and talking about Jen II and Ben Affleck and wondering if I am raging furious about her fruity ovaries! But you are all crazy. DO I LOOK FUCKING FURIOUS? DO I? I did NOT get so angry that I got tangled up in my necklaces and can't get them off. Does this look like angry hair? No! This is my "Edith and Mergatroyd down at the salon say I look prettier like this" hair! This is my "Get out of my hot tub, you paparazzi shitclown" hair! THIS IS NOT ANGRY HAIR ABOUT THAT WOMAN AND HER STUPID FAT WOMB.

Ah, sorry. It is just so hot up here, on this stage where I sing professionally. I would like to see that Gardner hussy sing her silly love tunes to Ben on a stage this big! Ben doesn't even like singing! He told me once that if I didn't stop singing he was going to eat his own ears! Aha, so how will she feel once she is raising a baby with Vincent Van Affleck over there? Hahahahaha!

But I don't care. I do NOT care if he knocked her up like a goddamn door. LOOK AT MY ABS. I can't do crunches with a fetus living in there! She can HAVE Ben's wang! It is all bloated and puffy anyway! I prefer it when my men look like beef jerky. So adios, bitches! You can think all you want -- I AM SO HAPPY I COULD JUST BEAT THE CANDY OUT OF YOU UGLY WHISPERING HUMAN PI√ĎATAS! ... Now, where the HELL am I?!?

Posted by Heather at 12:21 PM in Jennifer Lopez | Permalink


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