May 23, 2005
Fug York Minute
Okay, Mary-Kate. We get it. We know you're into swaddling your skeleton in as many large layers as possible to compensate for your lack of body fat. But it's not fooling anyone:
The cowgirl-doily look wouldn't be flattering on anyone, with or without the giant picnic blanket knotted around her neck. But honey, my stick figures that I drew in elementary school had more meat on their bones. Very scary. What happened with you and Ashley? You were so cute together in New York Minute. Um, not that I saw it. But if I had, I probably would have secretly thought you and your sister were sort of sweet -- I mean, I assume, although of course I have no idea what my reaction to that movie would have been. right? Yes.
What about your counselors? What about the rest of your wardrobe? Did it ever occur to you that you wouldn't need seventeen baggy layers and a wad of plaid if you just had some of nature's insulation?
The thing that's most wrong about this picture is that her "boyfriend" is leading her down the street and not toward another rehab center. Please get her some help, Scruffy Boyfriend. Otherwise, it's going to end tragically, either from the disorder or from you having sex with her and accidentally snapping her in half. Then we'll get some kind of badly written television event in which Ashley makes her first solo acting debut playing Mary-Kate, and... well, that's quite a rabbit hole.
So somebody, please give Lohan and Richie and their ilk a good example to follow, and GET THE GIRL SOME HELP so that she stops losing weight in places where there is no weight to lose.
Also: Please make her stop wearing tents.