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May 23, 2005

Since You've Been Fug

Kelly Clarkson is vexing indeed. She's an adorable girl with prodigious talent, but of late, some style choices -- or those of her people -- almost have us pining for the days when American Idol was dressing her like the prom queen.

Take, for instance, this ensemble, which looks like a morbid throwback to Madonna in the 1980s:


[Photo: infdaily.com]

She made it through the wilderness of From Justin to Kelly; somehow, she made it through. But I didn't know how lost she was until I saw tulle. Anyone who can wear a skirt made of neckties -- neckties! -- and live to tell the tale deserves a little bit more than a black mesh nightmare with a Michael Jackson tribute glove. She looks like she's going to the funeral of her own fashion sense.

And this is apparently what she wore when she sang at the wake:

I had hoped the many important lessons of the leotard and/or the snap-crotch bodysuit had long been learned. But apparently, the world didn't listen the first (or the second, or the umpteenth) time a girl refused to leave the bathroom at a party, bceause she was hollering for her friend to come in and help put her shirt back together. And it's equally evident that nobody did the fugculus of the above outfit; high-cut leotard + low-rise pants = infinite fug.

Kelly, maybe I should use a lingual trifecta of terms you, as an Idol alum, will understand. We'll go in the usual judging order, shall we?

"Sure, you're doin' your thing, dawg, but I'm not feelin' the shirt, man, I'm just not feelin' it. And dress is pitchy. Butyou know what, man, you did what you do."

"I have to agree with Randy. Everything you did is what you do. Words came out when you opened your mouth, and your face is like rainbows that dance on the toenails of God. But your light is so dark, here, that maybe God hasn't gotten his pedicure, because I can't see the stars that pour out of your soul because of your performing beauty. I'm so very lonely."

"Paula is a lunatic. Kelly, you look ridiculous. You can do better."

Posted by Heather at 09:01 AM | Permalink

Random Fug


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

It would seem that the "necktie required" dress code contains a rather large loophole.

Posted by Heather at 12:51 AM in Random Fug | Permalink

May 20, 2005

A Tale of Two Fugs

Wow, Bill Murray can't win -- on either side of him is a fug onslaught:

The lass on Bill's left, slouchy Julie Delpy, tends to be a princess of overt fug, here opting for a retina-blasting melange of color and pattern that could only flatter her figure less if it turned out to be a jumpsuit. And on Bill's right, in a sharp contrast to Delpy, there is the fairly placid fug of Tilda Swinton -- who, despite not having fallen for a stomach-turning color or pattern, did unfortunately select a dress that makes it look like she was gift-wrapped by a bored trainee in the Bloomingdale's customer-service department.

Bill looks more cheerful about her, though, possibly because he's hoping that if he tugs on her ribbon, a gift will present itself to him.

Posted by Heather at 10:39 AM | Permalink

May 19, 2005

First Fugger-Up

Justin did a solo album, Joey did Broadway, Lance did NASA. But it's Chris Kirkpatrick -- a.k.a. The One Who's Really Too Old To Be In The Band -- who's taken the most interesting approach to searching for career longevity beyond *NSYNC.

Apparently, Chris has devoted himself to being able to step in seamlessly in the tragic event that Kevin Smith is unable to fulfill his assigned duties as Kevin Smith.

Observe:

There is Silent Bob, looking uncharacteristically ball-cap free. And here is Chris:


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Uncanny, no? In the event that Smith is rendered incapable of being himself, the world will never be the wiser.

Posted by Heather at 10:57 AM | Permalink

The Fug And The Restless

I think everyone has one favorite outfit that they love so much, no one around them has the heart to say, "You know... actually, no." And the reason I believe this to be true is that it's the only explanation I can fathom for why anyone who loves soap actress Tonya Lee Williams allowed her to leave the house in the following:


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Wearing a black slip under white fabric is a fairly troublesome misstep, but in a more generally problematic sense, the dress is a hideous accident of cotton. It looks like Laura Ingalls Wilder's underclothes. And yet no one said anything -- not even a casual, "Hey, Tonya, Bloomie's is having a sale on flesh-toned lingerie," or, "Tonya, it's not Halloween -- save the J.C. Penney's Whites Sale costume for October," or even, "Oh, Tonya, it's so nice to see you, give me a big hu... OOPS! Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I was so focused on not spilling my red wine that I didn't see that chair there... No, your dress! Is it ruined? I hope it's not ruined! Gosh, I'll feel so awful if it's ruined here's another dress I happened to have handy that's in your size that I just bought coincidentally please for the love of God go put it on right this second."

Even the guy with her is kind of like, "Yeah, she's wearing a melting wedding cake on her head, but I love her and she seems happy, so... please just take the picture so I can go inside and blind myself with rum."

Added 10:28: I don't know how you guys do it. We didn't recognize him without a) the dreads, b) the spandex, and c) the chest-bumping with the dead one, but rumor has it that the above arm candy of Tonya Lee Williams is The Boy Who Lived. You know, Milli. Or Vanilli. I don't know. I do know that it's damning if you're out with a guy who wore bike shorts for a living and even he is kind of like, "Damn, girl... I'm just gonna smile and look the other way."

Posted by Heather at 07:30 AM | Permalink

May 18, 2005

Random Fug


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

This woman is a trend casserole: hat, cropped sweater, tube top, waist chain, low-rise rolled-up capri jeans, and knee-high boots, all thrown together and served up like so many leftovers. Unfortunately for her, casseroles tend to go bad after a few days; fortunately for us, a photo is forever.

Added 2:56 p.m.: Apparently, a photo is forever, and e-mails are plentiful. It's been brought to our attention that we got so drunk on the fug cocktail above -- and were so disinclined to stare at her crotch -- that we missed noticing that poor, sad Fugly Casserole up there left her cat flap open. Yes, the only zipper on her trousers that actually NEEDS to be there is hanging undone and unexamined. We can only hope that this isn't one of the trends she's mixing and matching, lest people with truly scary kitties take notice and take action.

Posted by Heather at 12:06 PM in Random Fug | Permalink

Did I Fug Myself For This?

Deanna Carter does her best imitation of the Barbie that sat on top of my grandmother's toilet -- the one whose ruffled crochet skirt concealed the extra roll of Charmin.

For the record, I have no desire to squeeze this Charmin.

Posted by Jessica at 11:06 AM | Permalink

May 17, 2005

Fug Right

Okay, look, you. Yes, you, all you party people here at Wango Tango -- I see you thinking. I see those wheels turning, wondering if I am dressed like this because I have just escaped from some kind of insane asylum, and am medicated into thinking that I have wandered out onto the lawn to tell you hoodlums to stop peeing on the begonias. I know you are wondering if my Mark is trying to make me hide my light under a piece of gaffer tape. But you don't get it, hahaha! I win! I have lived in Miami so long, I have had a fashion epiphany! Eureka! I have created geriatric punk!

But you're still looking, and thinking. Don't think I don't know. I see you watching your magazines and your Alias and talking about Jen II and Ben Affleck and wondering if I am raging furious about her fruity ovaries! But you are all crazy. DO I LOOK FUCKING FURIOUS? DO I? I did NOT get so angry that I got tangled up in my necklaces and can't get them off. Does this look like angry hair? No! This is my "Edith and Mergatroyd down at the salon say I look prettier like this" hair! This is my "Get out of my hot tub, you paparazzi shitclown" hair! THIS IS NOT ANGRY HAIR ABOUT THAT WOMAN AND HER STUPID FAT WOMB.

Ah, sorry. It is just so hot up here, on this stage where I sing professionally. I would like to see that Gardner hussy sing her silly love tunes to Ben on a stage this big! Ben doesn't even like singing! He told me once that if I didn't stop singing he was going to eat his own ears! Aha, so how will she feel once she is raising a baby with Vincent Van Affleck over there? Hahahahaha!

But I don't care. I do NOT care if he knocked her up like a goddamn door. LOOK AT MY ABS. I can't do crunches with a fetus living in there! She can HAVE Ben's wang! It is all bloated and puffy anyway! I prefer it when my men look like beef jerky. So adios, bitches! You can think all you want -- I AM SO HAPPY I COULD JUST BEAT THE CANDY OUT OF YOU UGLY WHISPERING HUMAN PI√ĎATAS! ... Now, where the HELL am I?!?

Posted by Heather at 12:21 PM in Jennifer Lopez | Permalink

May 16, 2005

Fugly: Fully Loaded

Oh my God, Lindsay. Pull it together.

I am about to sound like your mother -- or, rather, what your mother should sound like were she not too busy dealing with your deadbeat father to notice how strange you look -- so get ready. And stand up straight.

Young lady, do you know who you look like with your hair like that? Are you ready for this? Hilary Duff.  Yes, I know you're thinner than she is, and that's an entirely different discussion, although I suppose this all does prove once and for all that your boobies are real. Yes, I said "boobies." Don't "Mooom" me! As I was saying: do you really want to be running around town looking like a girl who was in a silly TV show and then made a couple of movies with boys on the WB? Do you? I didn't think so. And I know the hair is allegedly for a role, but I really hope you're not thinking about keeping it that way, because blondes have more fun or some cockamamie reason, because, missy, let me tell you a thing or two: you look like every skinny blonde starlet in town like this, thing one, and thing two? Thing two is that, for your information, redheads are all over the runways this season, so your real hair color -- in addition to looking so pretty on you, sweetie -- is really very chic. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Blondes are a dime -- don't you dare walk out on me when I am talking to you!

I haven't even started on your outfit. What are those SHORTS? Why don't you just cuff them and we can start calling you "Baby" and making jokes about putting you in the corner.   You just look so messy, sweetie. And you're such a pretty girl, why is everything so baggy and ill-fitting and layered and wrongly proportioned?

You used to be so adorable! Come here, and look at these pictures with me. Look at you here!

What happened? Is it because you're hanging around with those girls? I told you I don't like you spending so much time with that Nicole Richie. I used to think she was all right, but she spends so much time in the bathroom. No! No -- don't you dare try and tell me she has irritable bowels, Lindsay. I will give YOU an irritable bowel if you interupt me one more time, so help me God. I have SEEN that girl and if her bowels are irritated, it's because there's nothing moving through them.

No, it's not "ew," it's sad, and I don't want you hanging out with her anymore. Honey, seriously. I just want to help. I want to help, and for you to wear either shorts, or pants, but not these Federline-inspired shortpris. Okay?  Now, I know you've had a hard time since you and WhatsHisName, Wilber, broke up -- sorry, WilMER, WilMER, although I don't know what kind of name WILMER is -- sorry, sweetie, I know. It smarts. It still smarts. Come here and let me hug you.

There, there. Now, let's go to Barney's and get you some real pants. We can TP Wilmer's place on the way home. Go get your shoes.

Posted by Jessica at 08:08 AM in Lindsay Lohan | Permalink

May 13, 2005

Random Fug II: Pants of Terror


[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Are those... could it be... is that a JUMPSUIT? A satin jumpsuit? On someone other than Joan Collins (who would have paired it with a kicky turban)?

I... I'm hyperventilating.

Posted by Heather at 01:06 PM in Random Fug | Permalink

 

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