Dude, Where's My Fug?

Ashton Kutcher, fearful that his boyish good looks might attract the wrong kind of attention in a Hollywood climate that's become increasingly dangerous for young, nubile brunettes, goes Unibomber and takes to the highway:

"He'll never find me dressed like this! The too short overalls are bound to throw him off track! And my scraggly facial hair artfully disguises my Katie Holmesian good looks, don't you think? Yes. Yes, I'm safe here. Safe. Safe at last. See my Kabbalah string, Tom? I'LL NEVER CONVERT TO SCIENTOLOGY! NOT EVEN FOR YOU! God, I need a drink."