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June 14, 2005

Fug of the Fugs

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have a very important announcement to make: I LOVE THIS WOMAN."

"She is an extraordinary woman. Simply extraordinary. I could not be more fascinated by her. She is young. She is vital. She is BRILLIANT. I know you've heard these things before, but this time, I really mean them. It's true! Don't you doubters start telling Mav to pull up, yo! I will not pull up! IF YOU BELIEVE IN NOTHING, other than the divine word of the drug-busting dyslexia-curing master of spirituality, BELIEVE IN THIS. In fact, I couldn't come up with more effusive things to say about this woman if I were reading a script I wrote one night while hopped up on some L. Ron-shaped vitamins!

"She is perfect. She is divine. We'll change it all, of course -- her religion, her teeth, her gingham, her birth certificate, her eyebrows. (It'll be easy. I have a great Scientology-approved orthodontist -- instead of Novocain, he gives you cream cheese -- and I hear that junkie Brooke Shields has nothing to do, so maybe she can take care of the brows.) But this one is special -- this one can act without biting her lips. Yes, soon, this fantastic and unbelievable mystery of a healing love-munchkin will be MINE, all MINE, in the eyes of her parents and my publicist and L. Ron, and so when America adores her and wants to eat her up with a spoon, the people will have no choice but to think of me! And spooning me! And eating me up while they spoon me with their delicious, sinewy, masculine...

"Uh, I mean, I'm gping to marry her! I've got some Vitamin D in my diet, baby, and I am HOOKED on them phonics like you wouldn't believe! I am HAPPY and if you are a HATER and you don't want other people to experience joy, or you are just some stupid broad who thinks she's sad and doesn't know that B-12 is a better pick-me-up than Prozac, well, I don't effing care, because I LOVE THIS WOMAN with all my heart, FOREVER AND EVER. Until that pretty little Hermione Granger girl's movie comes out in November."

Posted by Heather at 01:40 PM | Permalink

 

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