June 27, 2005
In Fug Company
Oh, Scarlett, look what you've done. Are you okay? Did you know that you put on leggings under your skirt this morning? I suspect you didn't -- unless you are sad; I think you wouldn't have turned to the Dark Side without a good reason, which must mean something is wrong.
You should be okay. You're dating Josh Hartnett. I know he hasn't done anything interesting in a while, or possibly ever, but he's still rather cute, and he's got to be a step up from nailing Benicio Del Toro -- who looks as if he tastes like the business end of a charcoal grill -- in an elevator. And you're allegedly, according to IMDb, going to be in 24 next season, which means you can listen to Kiefer all day while his velvet throat conjures delicious new sounds.
What is it, then, Scar? Why drag your skirt into this? What could it be? Look, Jared Leto was hot when he was Jordan Catalano, but it's been a looooong time since he lit our national loins on fire. So I hope you're not too worried about that whole thing ending. Perhaps you're just really shaken over this Tom debacle, and how you apparently only narrowly escaped from being The Anointed Womb, and now you have to watch him slobber all over Kate Holmes-Cruise while knowing that if not for a keen stroke of luck and good sense, it might have been you in that frightening situation.
Or, maybe you're depressed about all this Woody Allen nonsense -- you know, about how you're his muse and Soon-Yi is not very happy about how much he would like to lick you silly. Is he drooling over you too much? Are you sad because you secretly like it, and you can't figure out why, and it makes you question everything you once believed to be good and true in this world?
Yeah, that would make me depressed enough to wear leggings, too, I suspect. Well, good luck to you. And if things don't get better, at least try not to take it out on your legs in this manner.