July 29, 2005
Fug the Cover: UK Cosmopolitan
This cover is mind-bogglingly unattractive:
It is fug on a Peldon-shaped platter. It is the festering volcanic pustule on the chin of the Fugtown Express's oily conductor. I do know that it's hard to compete with cover lines of such stunning genius as "My Designer Vagina Transformed My Sex Life," and "Leeches Stopped My Nipple From Falling Off." Really, I sympathize with Fergie, because outshining those gems is an uphill battle. But the fact remains that, if this photo is to be believed, Fergie needs to stop worrying about her heart so much and start phunking with her estrogen levels.
Random Friday Fug
I don't know what Juliette Anarino does for a living, but she is running an extremely impressive campaign to unseat Courtney Peldon for the title of Queen of All Fug. To wit:
It's like she mugged Siegfried and/or Roy on the way home from a Lara Croft convention. If this is her opening salvo in the Race to Outfug La Peldon, I can not wait to see what her next step is. A suit of armor? A skirt made of bagels, lashed together with dental floss? Manpris?
If so, play on, Random Girl. PLAY ON.
Posted by Jessica at 09:37 AM | Permalink
July 28, 2005
Wanted: Fug Or Alive
We're officially issuing an All Points Bulletin for whomever is responsible for the crimes perpetrated against Jessica Lange's face:
Sweet cracker sandwich. The woman is only 56 years old. Do you know who is the exact same age? Susan Motherf'ing Sarandon.
Compare and contrast, if you will:
Jessica. Give Susan a call for a referral, and then report your doctor to the Board of Plastic Surgeons for HIDEOUS CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY BY WHICH I MEAN YOUR NOT-NEARLY-AS-OLD-AS-IT-LOOKS FACE, stat.
Seriously. You look about eleventy.
Posted by Jessica at 02:01 PM | Permalink
Fug BurkeBrooke Burke looks lovely in her tailored suit, and although I think pointy shoes would've carried the look better, I can't really complain too much about that part of the outfit:
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
What bugs me like a flea pancake -- aside from the strange latchkey hanging from her belt loop -- is the number of necklaces ringing her nape, one of which is so long that it swings down between her thighs. I feel like she looked in the mirror and said, "What would make this outfit rock and roll? ... Of course! Unexplained jewelry!" She's not the worst perpetrator of this trend (see: Duff, Hilary and Other One, circa last fall), but she's still going overboard. The necklaces are to her outfit what Paula Abdul is to American Idol: Unnecessary, off-putting, and generally only confusing the issue with needless hoo-ha.
Now, I know that working for an exciting, youthful network like CBS must feel like 24/7 Mardi Gras, but... it's not, so leave the beads to your former Wild On flashers, Brooke. To paraphrase the exit line from Rock Star: It's just not right to wear necklaces in excess.
Posted by Heather at 12:45 PM | Permalink
July 27, 2005
I know most people don't know Pauley Perette, because -- to their credit -- none of them watched her in the Jennifer Love Hewitt mistake Time Of Your Life, and really, let's be honest here, nobody you know watches her in that JAG spinoff, either, no matter how well it's doing in the ratings. And if you did happen to catch her two-episode stint on Dawson's Creek as The Beek's therapist, you likely didn't get a good look at her face because you were so busy praying that she'd go literal for one second and actually shrink his head.
So, all that non-recognition just makes it more awkward when she shows up in a t-shirt with her name stamped on it:
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
Making yourself into a walking ID badge at a media event... well, that's just a tiny bit misguided, don't you think? This doesn't say, "I'm in a cool bowling league when I'm not wowing you in that show I'm on -- you know, that show on CBS," nor is her name up there in a quaint "This is my old shirt from my days as a Sandwich Artist and I'm wearing it to prove that I remember my roots" kind of way. This is not a subtle, careless emblazoning. This is a billboard. And, at a network shindig pimping the new fall shows, it's also basically an embarrassing memory-aid. One thing I will credit Courtney Peldon with: When she shows up at an event at which she seems bizarrely out of place, she at least acts like everyone should know who she is and why she's there. She sells it. Pauley Perrette, I fear, looks like she is wearing a homemade cheat sheet.
Maybe there's another explanation. Perhaps she is an ardent fan of Jane Pauley, and is wearing this as part of a global fan-club effort to revive her cancelled talk show/reliable hour of naptime on the couch. Or, maybe she's a Pauly Shore devotee who can't spell. Or, and I think we've hit on it here, mayhap she simply worships the eerily skilled portrayal of "Pilot" by actress Jess Pauley in the hit film Stuff Stephanie In The Incinerator.
Because otherwise, she's just That Actress Who Wore Her Name On Her Shirt At TCAs, Assuming (Correctly) That We Wouldn't Remember Who She Is Or Why She's Invited, and that's sort of a depressing label.
Posted by Heather at 01:35 PM | Permalink
Days of Our Fug
Melissa Reeves, who plays Jennifer on Days of Our Lives, is not, as you might glean from her caftan, a dues-paying member of the AARP:
Reasons to wear a caftan:
- nice and cool
- deliciously non-binding
- you are in possession of a lanai
- your name is Endora and you can apparate at will
Reasons to forgo said 'tan:
- not super-flattering
- seems a bit "pool party" for the red carpet
- slightly elderly
- the cut can make it look as though what you are actually wearing is the dreaded pants-caftan [AKA, the "pantstan"], one of humanity's most horrendous sartorial missteps.
I feel that the cons outweigh the pros, but who am I to judge? Maybe she picked this up when her character on Days was stuck on that mysterious fake desert island for like six months and just fell in love? Can I stand in the way of love that blooms on a mysterious fake desert island? I think we all know the answer to that.
Posted by Jessica at 12:38 PM | Permalink
July 26, 2005
I mean, on one hand, I'm thrilled she's wearing clothes. You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, right?
But the horse is just so ugly:
One sleeve! Crazy boots! A formal shorts set that appears to be courtesy of my grandma's kitchen curtains! And, of course, a bright red purse and a bright yellow cap. Of course.
I dunno. I kinda liked her better naked. At least everything was coordinated.
Posted by Jessica at 11:00 AM | Permalink
July 24, 2005
You Are My Passion For Fug
Molly Stanton, you might have landed a plum role on a sure to be disasterous new WB sitcom, but to me, you will always be Charity from Passions. Dull, anemic, whiny, mealymouthed, virginal, semi-magical-but-not-in-the-fun-way Charity.
And the outfit you wore to the WB's TCA party is not really making me sit up and take you seriously as...well, as anything, really:
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]
What are you wearing, and why is it so weirdly nautical? And also low-cut? And also wrinkled? And...are those appliques? Are you serious? Are they supposed to be approximating...nipples? Seriously, I know she's playing your mother on this new show and all, but are you taking fashion advice from Melanie Griffith? Because maybe you're new, but she crazy.
Posted by Jessica at 10:51 AM | Permalink
July 22, 2005
America's Next Top Fug
No one was a bigger fan of America's Next Top Model's sweet little Kahlen than I was. So cute! So sweet! So emotional! So forced to struggle through week after week with a molting weave leaking handfuls of hair onto her pillow.
This is just not working. Everything about this outfit conspires to make her look short. Even her unfortunate Ryan From The OC Meets Sandy's Trampy Outfit From the Final Scene in Grease shirt makes her look stumpy. And the kid is tall, so that's quite a feat for her SHIRT to make her look short. She's all cut off at the shoulders.
Then she's all cut off at the belt. Which is fine, actually, in theory, except for the part where she seems to have placed the buckle not in the center of her waist, but over her left hip, and are the kids doing that these days? Because that's okay, I guess, I just wish someone would have let me know.
And then, we have the jeans. Oh, Kahlen. Sweetpea. I know you are tall. But those jeans have been let out within an inch of their hemmed little lives and they don't make you look like you're wearing jeans that fit. They make you look like you're wearing pants that are too short for you. I know the tall girls have issues with finding pants that are appropriately long, but I feel like this is an area wherein Miss Tyra could give you some guidance. Call on Miss Tyra! Miss Tyra lives to help people, either with their interpersonal and familial issues, or their eating disorders, or their cutting, or their homelessness, or their pants. You've got that phone number, kiddo. Use it.
Posted by Jessica at 12:09 PM | Permalink
Jennifer Love Fuggett
[Photo by Daily Celeb.]
J.Lo.Hew clearly wanted to look like a princess to herald her return to network television -- this photo was taken at a CBS shindig -- but instead she looks like she's wearing a child's art project: A cardboard bodice covered in crepe paper. The crease at the waist and the unflattering way it creeps past her hips are particularly notable for the unflattering spare-tire effect they achieve, while the top seems to mask and flatten the breasts she once couldn't stop yapping about; perhaps she simply felt vengeful because people remember them before they can recall anything she's contributed to society.
Either way: Her hair looks great, but from the neck down, she needs to do some serious mirror checks before leaving her lair.
Posted by Heather at 10:33 AM | Permalink