Freaky Fug Friday: Well Played, Salma Hayek

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

You might think we'd have something scathing to say about the randomness of tying a luxe red ribbon around a dress that seems to have nothing to do with either red or ribbons. And generally, you might be right about that -- we might have wondered for whom she is intending herself to be a gift, or what tugging on the ribbon tail might undo; we even might have attempted a Tony Orlando and Dawn joke about oak trees, but I hope we'd have deleted that one five seconds after writing it.

The thing is, though, whenever we sat down for a nice, cathartic textual shredding of Ms. Hayek's ribbon, we came up dry. Why? Well... we had to throw up our hands. Salma Hayek is hot, people. Super hot. And sometimes, God help us, the hot just wins.

For one thing -- and I'm sorry to be crude, but it must be said -- that woman's rack is fantastic. And she knows it, and so she dresses it to the nines and works it in a way nobody else has mastered. No quadra-boob, no pancakes, no nip-slips, no teardrops dripping their way to her knees as she prances... I have serious melon envy when I see her on the red carpet. Also, the skirt's a good length, her skin is glowing, and her shoes match the dress without ever crossing into twee territory. She even works that damn ribbon -- to her credit, even though it at first seems superfluous, the bow looks like it's given the dress some shape, in the form of a gently nipped, curvy waistline it might otherwise have lacked.

So as much as we'd prefer her to leave the gift wrap at home -- that fetish should be a woman's own private kingdom -- we can't really fug Salma in earnest. We give. She's gorgeous. She improves what she's wearing. Long may the days of our lives run like sand through her hourglass.

Looking ahead, as we frantically try to scrub the tar from our blackened hearts, we may flip the script every so often and spotlight somebody who managed to get things right. It's our Freaky Fug Friday feature, so named because nothing is more alarming than putting on your usual bitch pants and noticing that they're streaked with benevolence. Fortunately, it doesn't happen often... but every once in a while, you have to show the home runs so you can appreciate how sad the strikeouts really are.

Editor's Note: So, we totally ended up usurping this feature with the "Well Played" category. Turns out we have a much more expansive kind side than we thought.