Joy Fug

Remember that story about how Sean Young was so crazy to land role of Catwoman [this, youngsters, was like a million years ago, back when Sean Young ostensibly had a career, albeit one on the wane, and the Catwoman in question was not the Halle Berry Catwoman, but rather the Catwoman that was eventually played by Michelle Pfieffer in Batman Returns] that she showed up on some talk show dressed as Catwoman in some wrong-headed attempt to...I don't even know, and everyone in America looked at each other and went, "oh, dude, That's just sad." ?

I think Joy Bryant is doing the same thing for the title role in the live-action version of Pocahontas:

Except it's even sadder, because there is no live-action version of Pocahontas in the works.*

[* Okay,  okay, you can close your Outlook. Apparently, Terrance Malick is doing some Pocahontas something or other, but suffice to say, Joy Bryant is not in it, and it's already in post-production, and therefore, she never will be in it, and that, also, is terribly sad, don't you agree?]

The Constant Fugner

Look.  Rachel Weisz is a beautiful, beautiful woman.  Beautiful. She wears clothes beautifully. She has beautiful hair. She's just beautiful.

AND THEN:

Eeeeergh. It's like neopolitan ice cream....IN DRESS FORM. And while I have no beef with the neopolitan ice cream -- who, after all, is not pleased by the concept of having three entirely different ice cream flavors in the same container -- it is, as I learned from reading Judy Blume's Fudge books, to eat, not to wear.

The Sixth Fug

Well, naturally. What do you wear to walk the dog if not a belted tunic stolen from K-Mart's very exclusive Peter Pan Collection, and some slouchy rattan boots?

Seems like the obvious choice to me.

Fuglett Johansson: Updated 9/29

I can't imagine what Scarlett Johansson's groin did to merit being punished in this manner:

I'm not sure who decided the Mom Jeans rise needed to come back in, but let's put it this way: If it takes you as long to run the bases as it does an ACTUAL baseball player, something's awry.

Also, would somebody please loan her $20? She needs some cotton tanks that aren't Olsen-thin.

We have since learned that what ScarJo's groin did was quite simple: It allowed itself to take part in a fashion show by Imitation of Christ, the label created by the fearsome Tara Subkoff -- and for which our very favorite icon of fug, Chloe Sevigny, designs/has designed. So suddenly, the imprisoning 20-mile zipper isn't surprising, nor is the general aura of awfulness around the entire look. ScarJo, we understand they may have shoved and shoehorned you into that outfit, but... free yourself from their neon claws. You owe it to yourself. And to your pelvis.

I Didn't Steal Your Fugfriend

"Hey guys!

"What-what! Give it up for my outfit! Hey heeeeey! Why wear tights when jeans do just as well? Word!"

We Got the Fug

Overhead at Element:

Random starlet/pop-singer/hanger-on: "I can't believe these bitches actually made me come out in public wearing a mini-dress made from children's sheets. I'm going to scratch Haylie's eyes out later. Right out of her head!"

Haylie Duff: "I can't believe Hilary's letting me come out in public with her again! I'm so happy! I feel so important! I feel so loved! I feel so pretty! I feel! I am a human being, and I FEEL! If Hilary hadn't told me that she would punch me in the mouth if I so much as opened my mouth, I would BURST INTO SONG!"

Hilary Duff: "I can't believe that bitch at Fred Segal talked me into buying these pants. I KNEW tapered legs were going too far. I KNEW IT. And they're so SHINY. TAPERED AND SHINY. I'm wearing tapered and shiny pants in public.  It's not 1987! What was I thinking? God, my new teeth are KILLING ME. Are they supposed to hurt like this? This is the worst night ever. I can't even look at Haylie. I want to go home."

Fug Creek

Oh my God, it's Meredith "Andie McPhee" Monroe.

I have no idea what's going on with the porportions of this outfit. The shirt is cute and flattering...except it's too short. Or the jeans are too low. Either way, why would she wear something that exposes the exact ring of skin that every woman wants to conceal? Why, Andie? Why? Even if you're all firm and shit there, it still looks, from afar, like you're prancing around with your muffin top out! And with the cuffed jeans over the boots, it's like you're walking around on the world's tiniest wee little legs. And a brown scuffed belt with shiny black boots? Girl, I don't know what they did to you when you went to that mental institution and subsequentally cheated on Pacey Witter, but I suspect it had something to do with the fashion portion of your -- oh, forget it. This outfit is bad, but it's not THAT bad. I just couldn't resist posting little Andie McPhee. Who even knew she was alive? Frankly, she almost looks younger here than she did on Dawson's Creek when they Andrea Zuckerman-ed her up with, like, little ponytails and shit to try to make her look like she wasn't ten years older than everyone else on the show. So long live McPhee! Wear your muffin top with pride! I can't believe people are still inviting you places! Uncuff your jeans and live, damn it! Live!

Fugadise!

Ever the mistress of subtlety, I present to you Miss Tara Reid:

If you have to write it on your ass, it might not be true.

Fug This!

A peek inside Paris Hilton's Day Planner:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb]

4:3opm: wake up

5:oopm: go back to sleep in tanning bed

6:15pm: make help wash hair

6:30pm: consider texting Man Paris. Crank call Nicole instead.

6:40pm: threeway with man who drives me places and lady who paints my toes.

6:47pm: put on velvet dirndl-y sack-dress thingie.  Shapeless throwbacks to already-unflattering retro styles are hott.

7:00pm: but it's missing something. Something...macrame. Like a vest!

7:20pm:  party!

Emmy Pre-Party Fug: Patricia Arquette

I feel like Patricia Arquette is constantly making me groan, "Ooooh... so close." For instance, she's a lovely woman who rocks her healthy, normal figure, but then she'll show up somewhere in a tight satin sheath that is hard for anybody to wear without accentuating the negatives.

Or, she'll throw a red sash around her waist and let it hang there limply, helping no one and doing nothing but cup her stomach:

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

If she'd worn this hair with the other dress, we might've had a winner. But instead she wore the horrible coif with the nice frock, and the sleeker 'do with this satin atrocity from the J.Lo/Anjelica Huston School of Fug. She also can't get her straps to behave -- the one on the left up there is staying put when it shouldn't, while her Emmy ceremony dress strap dropped clean off in the middle of her acceptance speech. The woman can't win.

Well, except for the Emmy.  And her slowly debloating life partner. But her closet is a giant rack of suck.

Two Times a Fugging

Jenny McCarthy had National Talk Like A Pirate Day (plus her own innate poor taste). But what's Nicole Richie's excuse?

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Despite that whole human bobblehead thing she's got going on, Nicole usually looks rather nice on the red carpet -- but that thing is swallowing her whole. Maybe I should just be happy that at least something in this picture is eating. 

Emmy Pre-Party Fug: Alice Evans

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Oh, honey. Even Dorothy herself would have surrended that old thing. So unless you are attending a theme party that is under the mistaken impression that the Emmy Awards are an homage to the unsung courage and dedication of Auntie Em herself, then you should probably deep-six the pumps, the homemade capris, and the frock before somebody throws you over a picnic table and serves a buffet of sanwiches and potato salad all over your torso.

Joely Richardson is all, "I am standing next to her ALL NIGHT.  I look FANTASTIC." 

Dirty Fug

Jenny McCarthy was really inspired when she learned that her new movie was premiering on National Talk Like a Pirate Day:

She looks like a cocktail waitress at the Jolly Roger crossed with a lingerie model at Sears.  Seriously. Is that even outerwear?

Emmy Pre-Party Fug: Cynthia Garrett

Ever since her show Life & Style got cancelled, Cynthia Garrett has apparently been living life in the style of a homeless hippie-cowgirl:

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

I always suspected that working with Jules Asner day in, day out, would drive a person into a state of unbrushed boho insanity. It's okay, Cynthia. We know. We don't understand what Steven Soderbergh sees in her, either -- or, well, we do, but we just don't understand how he lives with himself during those moments when they're forced to have a conversation. We're here for you, Cyn. You're free now -- it'll get better, we promise. Step away from the hat and don't let the fringe suck you into its poisonous lair.

Emmy Fug Carpet: ENOUGH ALREADY, Tess Smith

Okay, "Tess Smith," if indeed that is your name. I know you're doing this for publicity, and that I'm playing right into your grubby, grasping hands, but I can't ignore you because you have made that impossible.

Apparently, you had such success looking like a desperate head-case last year that, in 2005, you've taken the shredded look just far enough to make it clear precisely how Brazilian your wax job is. You look like an extra who wandered, drunk and clueless, off the set of a porno called Julius Pleaser: Eh tu, Bootay?

Look, I'm sure you're a sunny person. And I know some people will applaud your moxie and invite you into all the cool after-parties, because you are essentially naked, and all the people who wish Teri Hatcher would wear that are going to stare at you instead, as she and the other Desperate Housewives at least have enough combined modica of class that they don't run around letting their labia flap in the breeze.

But at the end of the day, when everyone wipes the powder -- legal and otherwise -- off their faces and goes home to take a shower and gulp Aleve with their hair-of-the-dog raspberry mojitos, you'll just be remembered as that sad, embarrassing Tinseltown cliche who makes Pamela Anderson look like the very image of restraint, taste, and elegance. Is that really the label you want? Really?

Emmy Fug Carpet: Naima

Heidi Klum's pregnancy wasn't a fashion statement, so hopefully other people will stop using it as the green light to dress as if they're expecting.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

America's Next Top Drapery winner Naima clearly needs a refresher course from Miss Janice Dickinson about posing. But the clothes aren't helping -- she looks straight out of Sense and Sensibility, wherein everyone is clad in garments that are tailored to be scandal-ready. Surely somebody could have helped her choose a dress that doesn't give stomach where no stomach exists.

Emmy Pre-Party Fug: Courtney Peldon

Sometimes it's not the clothes that fug up the Peldon -- it's what's beneath them.

In this case, La Peldon seems to have parlayed her D-list status into getting a D-list tan, one as orange, uneven, and blotchy as a pubescent Oompa-Loompa.

Doesn't it kind of look like her mismatched, normal-colored face has been Photoshopped onto another body? Like someone's been having a little pictoral fun with our Courtney -- perhaps even Courtney herself, trying to cover up that she actually wore something far more hideous to this Emmy pre-party?

But no -- no chicanery here, except on the part of the sunscreen/tanning salon/bloated Davis brother who snapped on the protective gloves and slobberingly rubbed in her self-tanner. This is truly La Peldon in all her heinous Burnt Marmalade glory, apparently so greedy for attention that she's even trying to redefine the term "Brown Peldon" so that it no longer applies to her sister.

Emmy Fug Carpet: Patricia Arquette

Oh, Patricia Arquette.

What is with the hair? It's like Marie Antoinette by way of Rosie the Riveter. What are you hiding in there? The latest Medium script? State secrets? Snacks for later? [Not a bad idea when the show is nine and a half hours long.]

Just don't.

Emmy Fug Carpet: Mary McCormack

Mary McCormack is very, very confused. She seriously was pretty sure when the limo pulled up that she was being ferried to her senior prom, circa 1984:

Hey everybody! Where's the punchbowl?

Emmy Fug Carpet: Macy Gray

On a night when many of the Emmy attendees were frustratingly well-dressed, thank God we can still turn to Crazy Macy Gray:

It doesn't fit! The shoes don't match! The dress itself may, in fact, be composed entirely of a cast-off set of drawing room curtains from the set of Scarlett: The Sequel to Gone With the Wind, starring Timothy Dalton! It's certainly totally flammable. And for that, Macy Gray, we the Fug Girls salute you. Anyone who shows up to an awards show looking both baked and bake-able is okay by us.

Periodically, as their busy spa and Spider Club schedules allow, celebrity experts will join us to answer your questions about how to fug up your life as thoroughly as they do theirs. This week's expert has an advanced degree in pharmacology and is studying for an additional masters in legal briefs

Q. Dear Aunt Fugly,

My stepmother always told me never to wear brown and black together. Not ever. But, she also told me never to wear white after Labor Day, never to go out without a bra on, and never to wear a skirt without panty hose. Obviously she's outmoded. Still, every time I consider about pairing my favorite black pants with a new brown top I just bought, I get hives. Help! I don't want to be a prisoner to old rules! Do I still have to follow them? If not, how do I get them out of my head?

Sincerely,

What Can Brown Do For You

A.  Dear What Can Brown Too Many Words To Type,

Can you believe they fucking sent me back to rehab, man? That's bullshit. I am NOT ON GOD DAMN DRUGS except for the stuff I have to take for my bad back which is really seriously pretty bad.  Hey, are those Cheetos? I love Cheetos. And Fritos. And Tostitos. God, I seriously can't stop eating. I should go to Wendy's. Yeah, for a Frosty. And one of those square hamburgers they have. Two square hamburgers. Three square hamburgers.

Hang on while I stick my foot over my head for a minute.

Right, your stupid fucking problem. I don't care. Wear whatever you want. Rules are for ASSHOLES.

---

Q. Dear Aunt Fugly,

What does a girl wear to an annulment? Is Carolina Herrera too much? And, how much time should I wait before contacting my ex? He might be married, but I'm pretty sure that was just a revenge wedding because I married a gay alien and he wasn't happy about it. Maybe I should wear something seductive so I can go right over to his place after I sign the papers? I'm nervous! God, I need a rice grain.

You complete me,

Afraid of Carbs

A. Dear You Had Me At I DON'T CARE,

You know, you people don't have real problems. I have real problems. I'm having Alan Partridge's baby and no I'm not yes I am no I'm not yes I am WHERE IS MY HAMBURGER? I WILL THROW THIS MICROPHONE STAND AT YOUR HEAD. No, I won't. See? It's just a banana. Banana. BANANA! B-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-N-A -- that reminds me, I have to call Stefani. Talk about people who can't DRESS. She makes ME look like -- hey, remember when I dressed all classy and shit? Like when I was in that movie with that guy from Cheers. Man, he had the best weed. I should call him except I totally don't remember his name anymore.

I'm going to take a nap now.

Oh, about your stupid fucking annulment like are you aware of the fact that I am a WIDOW? YOU'RE VERY INSENSITIVE. WEAR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, BITCH.

---

Q. Dear Aunt Fugly,

Y'all! I'm a MOM! But listen up, though, because now I have a serious dilemmon. (I just learned that word! This is my first time using it. I hope I did okay! I just read in some book that if you use big words around the house your kids will stay off the crack, or something so I am practicing now so I am good at it by the time the baby is old enough to hear and stuff.)

Okay, so, here's the deal. I just gave birth (it was soooo sweet and loving, y'all -- my husband couldn't even be there because he was so afraid of fainting from love! Isn't he sweet?) and so now my lawyers told me I have to lose 60 lbs in two weeks, but... I looooooooooooooove my maternity clothes! Y'all, do you even KNOW how much they hide? As a test I taped three bags of Ruffles to my bra and walked around the house for an hour and nobody noticed. Although my husband was kind of preoctopied (whee! That was a good one. I totally would have passed those FATs or STAs or whatever that test with all the bubble-thingies was called. I am so lucky I didn’t ever graduate high school) by some papers he was trying to understand. He kept growling and saying something about a "loophole," but I don't understand why, because he doesn't even wear belts!

The trick is, nobody has made it fashionable to wear maternity shirts and pants even when you're not earning interest on his deposit. (Hee! That's what my husband calls it. I don't know why he keeps talking about money all the time but maybe he is looking into becoming a financial analyst or something like that because he told me to fire mine because he wanted to cook the books himself. AND he wanted to name the baby Dead President, but I told him that wouldn't work, ever, because what if he was president? Would he be President Dead President? That's so confusing! And so then he suggested Shut It as a name, I think, but I said a two-letter middle name is bad sheng fui or whatever, so he said, "How about calling it, 'Moooooooo,'" and then I cried a little and told him he was so mean that devil would dry up his swimmers and he'd never have another little baby and he was all, "Good, it's about goddamn time," and so I ran away and sat in the corner and meditated and talked to the red string, and it told me to name my son "Preston," because it's kind of a combination of "Priest" and "Justin," which means he'll be the perfectest little baby ever because he'll be all righteous and pious and stuff, but he'll also love dancing and singing just as much as he loves the Lord. … Hmm, unless the red string said "Presley" and not "Priest"… in which case he would probably love drugs, so I'd better start using more big words in my vocabilory because if my baby ends up addicted to crack or whatever I will be very sad because I don't even think they have a wing at Promises for babies. But maybe he would just love sandwiches, which is okay because everyone loves sandwiches!)

Where was I? Oh yeah -- Gwen Stefani needs to start wearing maternity clothes every day, so that I can too, don't you think. Can you give me that? I can't register for it even though I tried. The lady at the Wal-Mart just laughed at me which I think was really sort of rude. Also, it's hard to breast feed with Doritos taped to your chest. Have you tried? I asked my Mama to come help me but she said she was busy and then I saw that she was cutting up all my credit cards -- I think so that she and Kevin and me and Jamie Lynn can all have a piece to use. That was really injeanis of her, don't you think? I love her even if she did say she was going to take me and the baby and fly us far far away so that Kevin could never find us. I am pretty sure she just meant for a vacation.

Thanks for the advice, Auntie! I love you!

A.Dear Stupid Girl,

I forgot your question.

---

Okay, enough with the questions. I have to go to my lawyer's office AGAIN to do something about something that I don't remember. All I know is, if this is about how Dave Grohl is all pissed that I burned down the shed in his backyard WHICH I AM PRETTY SURE I DID NOT DO, I am OUT OF THERE.

The Princess Fugs

What have we here... It's shapeless, it looks stapled together, it's improperly cinched, it makes her look like she belongs in an art school for the morbidly deranged... yes, I do believe Anne Hathaway picked this up from Sienna Miller's Salvation Army pile.

Papa, Don't Fug

At least she looks happy. Oh, wait.

It's like, shoes? Hot.  Bag? Hot. Capelet and fat tie? NOT. [Apparently, I'm so dismayed by this ensemble that I have actually resorted to the old "hot"/"NOT" dichotomy.] She looks like a English transvestite schoolboy and not in some hot sort of sexy early Velvet Goldmine kind of way. More in like a young and confused and unfamiliar with the proper proportion of clothes kind of way.

Also, and not to sound like my mom or anything, but how is she getting through the day without losing her mind and trimming her own bangs with her nail clippers in desperation?

She's Just A Fug in the World

Gwen Stefani reveals the trend she's adopting for fall,  Extreme Referee Chic:

See, it's LIKE a referree's uniform, except ALL THE WAY DOWN YOUR BODY. Also, with bigger stripes! And a bare midriff! Like you'd see in, say, maybe, Extreme Arena Football, if there were such a thing and if anyone actually watched arena football other than the parents of the arena football players and sometimes not even them.

I wonder if anyone's mentioned to her that her face is turning into Madonna's. Maybe the stripes are merely a distractionary tactic.

Fugtown

Kiki, Kiki, Kiki.

So, here's the thing. I love your hair. And your make-up? Looks really polished, yet fresh. From the neck up, you look swell. But from the neck down, you look like an homage to that Van Eyck painting, The Betrothal.   It's so...medieval bun in the oven.  Which I don't really think you were going for. I mean, I might be wrong. Maybe this is the beginning of a trend, in which starlets will ape famous paintings. I can't wait to see Courtney Peldon as Nude Descending a Staircase.

Hustle and Fug

Interesting look on Taryn Manning:

Note: you're not playing the hooker in Hustle and Flow any more. You should feel free to dress like a civilian.

Get This Fuggin' Started

AGAIN WITH THE PANTS.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

She is wearing a 1950s mourning shift... AND PANTS. I could handle the former -- it'd actually be quite pretty with the right strappy shoes -- but COME ON, PINK. MEET US HALFWAY. DO NOT MISUSE THE PANTS.

And rethink the hair. You were never in Flock of Seagulls.

The Bad Girl's Guide To Fugging

.

"What's uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup, America? YEAH! COME ON! I am BACK, bitches! Did you miss me? Remember when we got along so well on Singled Out, when I would run around whooping and wiggling my tongue and barking at the screen, and you all wanted to sleep with me? Those were the DAYS, man. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But then some guy deci -- WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry, I had one more in me that had to come out.

Back to it: Some guy decided that mugging to the camera and howling meant that I was a talented comedienne, so I became Sitcom Star Jenny McCarthy. Yeah yeah YEEEEAH... except that lasted for, like, two seconds, because America wants to see my tongue and I wasn't giving it to them. And then that bitch Carmen Electra totally stole my rightful career path when she took over Singled Out from me -- I should have been the one on Baywatch, bitches. I would have SMOKED that orange bathing suit. But noooooooooo, Hasselhoff had to go and hire that vapid Prince-boffing nobody, and I WAS STUCK ON SOME STUPID SITCOM THAT TANKED. THANKS, HOFF. May your German fans BREAK YOUR HEART by burning your CDs and becoming MASSIVE Rock Star: INXS fans! HA HA HA HA!

Anyway. Back to me: then came marriage, the baby carriage, blah blah blah... everyone forgot about me, so I had to write a book about stretch marks and swollen ankles had a nice little stint for a while as Relatable Famous Woman Who Gets Pregnant Just The Way You Do! Woohoooooo, Yeah! And that totally worked -- people actually paid to read what I had to say about bloating and waddling! So I wrote a sequel, as Jenny McCarthy: Hilarious And Grounded Mother. And since y'all loved me so much for keepin' it real, Oprah-style, I figured I could make a TV comeback. But no one watched The Bad Girl's Guide To Being Jenny McCarthy or whatever it was called. I don't know why the comeback didn't take -- it worked for Carmen. It should have been ME. ME! I could have made you think I was sane again after 15 minutes of marriage to Dennis Rodman by starring in a reality show about my wedding to a pocket-sized eyeliner-addict rock star who adores me! Then I'd be a Pussycat Doll, and get to prance around in my skivvies while women everywhere buy my workout DVD and I'd be RICH and you would LOVE ME AGAIN and I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ANY MORE STUPID BOOKS WHERE I PRETEND TO THINK PUKE AND CELLULITE AND SWOLLEN FEET ARE CUTE.

Ahem. Hi! So here I am! Woo! I had to come up with something to do to make you notice me again -- until my kid is old enough that I can write a hilarious book about explaining the birds and the bees, or star in the movie adaptation of my future hit autobiographical novel My Mother The MILF, where all my kid's friends come over and try to hook it on up with my sweet ass, I'm kind of useless to everyone. I have to get all up in y'alls grills one more time. And what's the best way to do that? Sheer clothing.

But, like, totally classy sheer clothing -- I want you to see my nipple, dudes, but ONLY through my very modest and thin white granny slip. I've gone from Singled Out to Nipping Out, smackholes! Ha ha ha ha! YES, you LOVE it when I talk crassly to you! Remember how much fun we used to have? YEAH! ROCK OOOOOON! Next time I see you, it'll be from all the magazine covers I'm getting! I am back! This dress is strategically transparent and I am BACK and YOU WILL LOVE ME, ALL OF ME, FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, and if you don't I'm totally going to become a Scientologist so I can be Tom Cruise's fourth wife. Pull up, Mav! Or actually -- DON'T!

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!

So, in the immortal words of Janice Dickinson (who I fully idolize by the way, because she is loud and brash and totally the grown-up version of who I was on Singled Out... she and I should have a show, because Janice is mynspiration), "Au revoir, bitches!"

Counter-Fugwise

One thing The Simpsons has taught us about Australia -- aside from the rules to "knifey-spoony" and some vital lessons about the legal system, which involve a massive boot to the behind -- is that everything there is upside-down, backwards, or clockwise when it should be counter-clockwise (no matter what things like "experts" and "science" tell us, we believe the musings of a room full of eccentric former National Lampoon writers).

Further proof of this phenomenon comes from an Aussie reader, who sent us this link to an article in which The Olsen Twins (No. 4), Kate Hudson (No. 5), Lindsay Lohan (No. 6), Sienna Miller (No. 8) and Kelly Osbourne (No. 9) were all put on a Best-Dressed Celebrities list.

Presumably, the only criteria is that they were, in fact, dressed.

Fugla Abdul

I don’t even know what to say about Fugster Extraordinaire and Fugly Hall of Fame memberPaula Abdul anymore:

I am seriously without speech. What is she going for, here? Dominatrix cocktail waitress? Naughty milkmaid? Blind Former Popstar? She Who Picks Her Clothes Out in the Dark?

Cover Fug

America's Next Top Model winner, the generally charming Eva Pigford, seems to have forgotten a very important part of her outfit:

By which I mean, of course, her pants.  Eva, Eva, Eva. You might not know this, but there is no sort of sartorial version of the Pythagorean theorem wherein, like, very high boots + longish shirt = pants.   You know that's a shirt you're wearing as a dress. We all know it's a shirt you're wearing as a dress. And although I found you charming on ANTM, I really don't need to see your business. So please find some pants, or some jeans, or a skirt, or maybe even some tights, or, GOD, even some shorts, and let's all pretend that this never happened.

Fugonistas

Look, I get that Lindsay Lohan likes aping the style of other fashionable celebs, but this is really just beyond.

Behold La Lohan:

Behold her inspiration:

Is that not alarming? Same ratty men's underpants. Same bird-embossed long sleeve tee. Same tousled bedhead. What does these mean for our little Lindsay, my friends? Do we get to look forward to a long, whiskey-fueled run on the World Poker Tour for our girl? Will she start stumbling around looking like a truck driver for several weeks, before finally hooking up with the dimple-encrusted star of an action-packed TV series? Will they then get married on an island with only, say, Dennis Quaid there to perform the ceremony? Will she  then -- actually, hold the phone. This doesn't sound too terribly bad. In fact, perhaps Miss Lohan is NOT actually just running around town dressed like B Fleck, circa Downward Spiral. Perhaps this is, in fact,  her first step toward pulling her shit together.

And all it takes is an ill-fitting pair of men's underwear. Salvation, folks. Apparently, it's available at Sears.

Jose Cansefug

Dude, Jose, PUT IT AWAY:

Celebrity Terror Watch: Fugly Trendy

Sometimes I think Bobby Trendy has a Gone With The Wind complex, in that I believe his dream would be to swan around the Deep South going to garden parties and fanning himself off and wearing hoop skirts, and trying to brush up against that mealy-mouthed Melanie so he could accidentally dump punch down her front and then corner Ashley in the library while she blots it off.

But frankly, my dear I don't give a damn: He needs to put the nip away, stop the tulle madness, and give up the dream -- he is no Scarlett O'Hara, and he is no Janice Dickinson.

Depsite looking eerily like you could be her younger brother.

The Peldons: A Life Raft of Fug

You know what we truly need in trying times like these? More than hope, more than love, more than money?

Peldons.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Courtney wants you to know that she has been very busy lately, what with all the work it takes to crimp her hair and get fitted for customized knee-pads (no starlet can live without 'em!) and inflate her chest to its irregular dimensions -- not to mention all those situps to Pink-ify her pelvis. She's been so slammed, in fact -- both with that and the riding boots she's trying to break in before she saunters into Vogue and pitches herself as The American Madge: A Country Lass In The Big City -- that she left a clip in part of her hair. But she's going to leave it that way, because dammit, what America wants right now is to keep it REAL.

Brown Peldon, on the other hand, is just happy to be out of the house. She's been living the hip-hip life, see, writing incisive rap songs about drugs and sex that nobody will ever hear while lazing around in bed wearing lingerie and making the pool boy feed her peeled grapes. She's forgotten that when Courtney drags her out for a reassuring photo op during our national nightmare, she might need to do a little more than just throwing on old misshapen Weekend Jeans under her nightie.

But we like it that way. In these times of frightening and dire change, we need a little consistency. We need our security blankets. We need Courtney and Ashley Peldon... now, more than ever.

A Momentary Fug Break: Updated Tuesday, 3:47 p.m.

Thank you beyond measure to everyone who's sent us links we might otherwise never have found; there's a ton of really interesting stuff being done, from major national charities to Whole Foods supermarkets getting in on the action, to Brett Favre galvanizing his foundation to take specialized donations. Read on for a consistently updated list.

About the only thing uglier than the perfect storm of fug that blows through this site is the actual hurricane that's just wiped away towns, soaked and sullied one of the country's most unique cities, and devastated three states in such a way that these people -- these families -- don't know when life can ever resume in anything resembling a normal, familiar way.

We know you've been inundated with horrifying news images, reports, and personal stories from the Hurricane Katrina tragedy, and we also know most of you have already reached into your pocketbooks to help the people in need. But just in case anybody out there needs some direct links to Web sites through which they can contribute to relief efforts -- especially in New Orleans -- we'd like to list a few here. Especially because, due to the volume of traffic, the traditional Red Cross site might be running slowly.

For ease of use, we've recategorized these -- as best we can -- into charities and local relief, donation-matching foundations and organizations, donation-matching retailers, and retailers sending profits straight to relief organizations.

CHARITIES & LOCAL RELIEF

Network For Good -- A nonprofit organization that has a page on its site devoted to listing different types of groups to whom you can donate besides the Red Cross -- including the Louisiana Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (rescuing pets), Charity Hospital of New Orleans, and the Salvation Army.

Storm Aid - run by Clear Channel in conjunction with the Red Cross.

Feed The Children - An international nonprofit organization.

Mercy Corps -- Formerly refugee-focused organization that now focuses on helping find long-term solutions for families living in poverty.

Hurricane Housing -- This is a housing clearinghouse trying to match people made homeless by the storm with available beds and rooms and couches located within 300-500 miles of the Gulf Coast.

Give Life -- A blood donation site that helps get quick appointments at clinics near where you live.

The Humane Society of America -- The link takes you to its disaster-relief fund.

Noah's Wish -- An animal-rescue facility, critical because so many people are being forced to leave their pets behind or make Sophie's Choices between several.

American Kennel Club - Another animal relief effort.

Brett Favre: Hot And Socially Conscious: The Green Bay Packers quarterback is a Mississippi native whose Fourward Foundation is taking donations for the victims. Click the link to find out how to contribute.

Southern Mutual Help -- Non-profit organization that aims to help rebuild disaster-stricken rural areas.

Ronald McDonald House -- A reader tells us, "There was a Ronald McDonald House on Canal Street in New Orleans that probably will need some major help. The families staying there have children being treated for cancer and other serious illnesses at nearby hospitals. I haven't heard anything specific on the news, but it seems like both the families staying there and the building itself will need help. I don't know the URL for the Ronald McDonald House in New
Orleans, but donations can be made to the national office. You can also find contact information for your local Ronald McDonald House there."

St. Vincent De Paul -- Another reader shares, "My alma mater of LSU has recently been turned into a makeshift shelter for evacuees. Our local chapter of the Red Cross is up to capacity with donations and has asked that funds be sent to the St. Vincent De Paul Dining Room. These folks are working overtime to feed the thousands of people taking refuge in the capital, and I'm sure donations would be much appreciated. Unfortunately everything must be snail-mailed, but the contact information is located online."

Food for the Astrodome - Another reader from Houston writes, "I am a volunteer in the Houston area for the displaced New Orleans evacuees being housed in the Astrodome. If you would like to donate money to provide meals to these evacuees locally, you can do so by clicking that link. If any of your readers are in the Houston area, they can also find information on how to volunteer their time serving food and providing other services at the Astrodome."

Second Red Cross link -- Yahoo! has up a site that gives straight to the Red Cross, but can handle overflow traffic the regular Red Cross site can’t. Thanks to the reader who sent this to us!

Northwest Medical Teams -- The site says, "We are... helping local church-based groups provide lodging and food for refugees; shipping emergency health supplies; dispatching mobile health vans to address public health needs; sending staff and volunteers to help medical relief efforts." A reader tells us NWT has a four-star rating from Charity Navigator.

PETsMART - The retailer is funneling funds from its usual charities to Hurricane Katrina victims. Click to investigate and donate.

Best Friends Animal Society is working to coordinate pet and animal rescue in the area.

A reader tells us that Discovery Toys has partnered with the American Red Cross "to get much needed cash and award-winning educational and comforting products to Hurricane Katrina victims. We will immediately be shipping $20,000 worth of product and look forward to sending much more. You can help! For the initial drive, through the month of September, for every dollar of donation made, Discovery Toys will donate and ship five times the value of toys for distribution by local volunteers." Check out the website to learn more.

Worried about the thousands of historic buildings possibly destroyed by the storm? The good people at the National Trust for Historic Preservation have set up a relief fund set up, with monies going toward preserving the incredible amount of historic properties in New Orleans.

Another organization devoted to saving pets is the North Shore Animal League of America, which has already begun rescuing animals from the areas hit by the hurricane.

More than one reader has written to sing the praises of the Mennonite Disaster Service organization, which has a history of disaster relief organization, and has been on the ground in New Orleans since the hurricane struck. Learn more at their website.

Another organization getting involved in relief efforts, especially rebuilding, is Habitat for Humanity.

Project Backpack is a nation-wide effort to provide school supplies for children who lost their homes in the hurricane.

The Louisiana Library Association is accepting donations to help rebuild libraries in the affected areas.

The Houston animal shelter is taking care of lots of pets for folks stuck in the Astrodome.

Lutheran Disaster Relief fund is, according to a reader, "an outstanding organization with experienced volunteers. 100% of giving goes to the designated need."

The American Friends Service Committee, which is a Quaker organization with a program called Emergency Material Assistance Program (EMAP), is accepting donations on their website.

This is very interesting: A reader has pointed us to a list of all the colleges and universities willing to offer accomodation to displaced students. According to our helpful reader, "the accomodations offered vary greatly; a large number include tuition and fees waivers or deferrments, late registration, and "good-faith" admissions for students who cannot produce transcripts or documentation. Some even include room and board for free or reduced rates. A number of Canadian colleges are offering expedited visa processing. Most schools are offering visiting or special student status to those affected by the hurricane, so that they won't have to go through the paperwork involved in transferring out of and then back to their home institution. If you could add this to your list, it would greatly help get the word out to those who need it."

Of interest to people who support gay marriage and abhor Louisiana's constitutional ban: Lambda Legal is collecting money to aid couples in which one half was wounded or killed and the other needs legal assistance because the state doesn't recognize them as a couple. A reader explains that donors must specify that they want the check to go to legal assistance of Katrina survivors. Also, the Rainbow World Fund is accepting donations.

DONATION-MATCHING FOUNDATIONS

The Barry Manilow Fund - The Schnozzed One's personal foundation will match donations and send all of it to the Red Cross.

The Chicago Tribune's McCormick Foundation -- This group is matching 50 percent of each dollar of donations made through their site (up to two million dollars).  All donations go directly to hurricane relief organizations. [NOTE: They've reached their two million limit and will no longer be matching donations]

DonorsChoose.org - A reader says, "Right now they're participating in the Amazon Challenge, in which a group of charities is competing to receive the most donations until Sept. 30, because Amazon will then match those donations. DonorsChoice just sent out an e-mail this yesterday saying that all donations to the Amazon Challenge for the next week will go to Hurricane Katrina-related projects, such as a 4th-grade class that wants to replace lost school supplies for another class in the region."

Don't tell anyone, but the Fug Girls secretly love watching Ellen. And now we hear that Warner Brothers is donating $500,000 and then matching up to $500,000 of donations given through Ellen's website.

DONATION-MATCHING RETAILERS

Whole Foods Market -- Apparently you can buy donation coupons at the chain's stores, and Whole Foods will apparently match these donations up to $1 million. Proceeds go to the American Red Cross. Click the link for more information. The supermarket is also implementing a job relocation plan for people who worked in its damaged locations.

Amoeba Music - One of the coolest record stores around is matching all contributions given to donation buckets in its stores. Best Buy - Through the end of September, if you donate at the register or through the Web site, the company will match it dollar-for-dollar and send the contributions to the Red Cross.

Peet’s Coffee -- Matching dollar for dollar all contributions made.

Costco - The retailing giant is matching contributions dollar-for-dollar, and donations can be made at the register.

DONATE AT THE REGISTER (OR JUST BY SHOPPING THERE):

Lisa Kline - From an employee, "Starting yesterday (and we haven’t put a cap on it, just going on as long as necessary) Lisa Kline has pledged 5% of all sales -- not just profits -- from www.lisakline.com to the American Red Cross for hurricane relief efforts."

Wawa - This convenience store, located in five states, is offering a donation program that funnels money to the Red Cross.

Office Max is apparently allowing its customers to add donation money to their total bill when they check out.

a href="http://www.starbucks.com">Starbucks is accepting donations at its registers.

From a reader: making different donations themselves."

From a reader: "Bungie, a subsidiary of Microsoft and creator of the super nerdy on line X-box Halo games has made this shirt, which is being sold for $20, $15 of which goes to Red Cross.

A reader in Southern Minnesota tells us that some local branches of the Great Harvest Bread Co. are donating all of Saturday's proceeds to hurricane relief; she suggests you contact your local branch to see if they, too, are participating.

Crafters' United - An online shop created exclusively to sell donated items. All the proceeds are going to the Red Cross Hurricane Relief Fund.

Give A Little - A reader says, "Knitters have pledged dozens of donations of yarn, finished knitting, and other knitting-related items to be used as prizes and auction items. As of this writing, they've already raised over $15,000. They're also accepting cash donations for the American Red Cross."

eBayhas a Katrina Disaster Relief area set up on their site, where proceeds from auctions go directly to the relief effort.

A reader tells us that "For people in the northeast, where Giant and Martins grocery stores exist, they are accepting donations for the red cross at the registers. Kick in a buck, five bucks, or whatever you can give."

CDBaby.com, an independent music distribution site, is featuring the work of over 5000 musicians who have chosen to donate all money from sales of CDs to the Red Cross disaster relief fund.

For those readers who are also fans of the good folks at Television Without Pity, TWop is having their own little recap-telethon. For every $2000 donated, "a TWoP recapper will recap something weird and wonderful of their choosing." The money is going to Donors Choose and Amazon's relief fund. Learn more and donate here.

The knitting website,The Naked Sheep is donating a percentage of all on-line sales to the Red Cross.

Finally, many places are accepting donations at the register. In fact, judging from anecdotel evidence, and our email, if your market/local drugstore/favorite fast food restuarant ISN'T accepting donations at the register, it's probably just a front for aliens looking to harvest your soul, and you should stop shopping there.

Our hearts go out to everyone in that blighted region.

Romeo and Fugliet

Oh, Girl Paris, welcome back to the blog:

And what better triumphant return to the fug than this chartreuse shiny bandeau dress, complete with billowing bodice, slits, and a tennis skirt? It's all so very white-trash St. Tropez, seen at all the yachting parties of peasants whose boats are only a pathetic fifty-feet long.

However, I am vexed by the continued absence of Man Paris. Are they fighting? Has he been brainwashed by his Hilton-horrified parents, who keep insisting their children are getting hitched on the tenth of Never, and not a day sooner, even though Kathy Hilton has already pretty much planned the wedding and monogrammed some towels? Or are her slits accidental -- left over from the knife fight she got into with Mr. Man Paris's hired goons, who want to scare some jilting into her?

I love the idea that they're a billionaire sandbox version of Romeo and Juliet, but without the innocence. Or the vocabulary. It's going to be so tragic when Girl Paris drinks Red Bull laced with arsenic and passes out, only to wake up and find out that Man Paris drank a lethal dose in his grief, which will force her to impale herself upon a cocktail toothpick she ganked from the Tropicana Bar the other night.

Hopefully she'll change first.

The Fug Whisperer

Hello! I'm Jennifer Love Hewitt!

I just wanted to mention that it is PURELY COINCIDENTAL that I am snapped, fully made-up, reading with great and very apparent enjoyment each and every tabloid at least once a week.  It is also just pure chance that, whenever this not-at-all-staged photo is snapped, every week, I am gleefully holding up the magazine so that its title may be read clearly by anyone who happens to run across these pictures, especially if that person works for the magazine I am holding, and/or writes a feature called something like, say, oh, just off the top of my head, "Stars: They're Just Like Us," or something like that.  This is NOT AT ALL a set-up so that I can find myself back in the press, and I am, in fact, very offended that you would even think that. I would, however, like to inform everyone -- you know, just while I'm here - that I am already in wardrobe for that remake of I Dream of Jeannie that they're talking about, so if you want, I can totally do that for you and you wouldn't even have to pay a costume person, but if that doesn't work out, I'd also like to remind everyone that my boobs are very big and you can see them every Friday on CBS this fall in The Ghost Whisperer, in which I star. Yes, I am still alive, people are still hiring me, and if you feature me in your magazine -- based on these totally candid photos! -- I will probably make it worth your while! Thank you!