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November 01, 2005

Alanis Fugisette

Even throughout her confusing career metamorphosis from bubblegum pop princess to embittered rocker to Zen Earth mother to schmoopy, engaged balladeer, Alanis Morrisette has usually managed to maintain something edgy about her appearance.

Until now.

She looks like Demi Moore circa 1987, if she'd been cast as Billie Jean King in a CBS Miniseries Event. And that is not acceptable. The Alanis Morrissette who deep-throated Dave Coulier in the back of a theater -- and then sang about it right before she misinformed an entire generation about the definition of "irony" -- would hate Alanis Jean King, her bangs, and her wilting perm. Last decade's Alanis would punch this one in the mouth and snap her glasses in two, and then use the shards as a sex toy. We certainly didn't sit through the angry phase, the walking-naked-in-traffic-with-only-her-hair-over-her-bits era, and the hostage-crisis dress just to end up here. Not in that dowdy jacket.

[I would ask  her hot fiance Ryan Reynolds to have a word with her, were he not wearing the facial hair and fatigued expression of a 32-year old calculus professor who can't figure out how, precisely, his young life is already so boring that he writes his own word problems for sport. He doesn't seem to be in any mood or position to tell his betrothed that even the ladies from Heart abandoned that haircut.]

In sum: Alanis, we're very happy you're happy, and going to hockey games, and banging somebody who doesn't ape Bullwinkle for profit. But think how much sweeter it would all be with a better coif, and without one of your father's suit jackets.

Posted by Heather at 07:28 PM | Permalink


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