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November 07, 2005

Harry Potter and the Fuglet of Fire

Little Hermione Granger is turning into a such a pretty young woman. And yes, I realize that statement just added ten years onto my age. But it's true. However, Emma Watson clearly needs a Ginny Weasley in her life, because nobody's BFF would let them leave the house in this:

The dress itself is a little overly complicated -- a bit too "Hey, baby, climb up my trellis" for my taste -- but I can see how a teenage girl at her movie premiere might feel princessy and ethereal in it. But nothing excuses the stumpy flats. She could've looked very graceful and tall and elegant in ANY kind of heel, but instead she looks like she just padded out of her closet screaming, "IF RUPERT HASN'T CUT HIS HAIR I'M NOT GOING, BECAUSE HE IS NOT NOR HAS HE EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF THE MONKEES, SO IF YOU WANT ME THERE YOU WILL HAVE TO DRAG ME OUT OF HERE BY MY HAIR RIGHT THIS SECOND."

And maybe her mother or her agent or manager or whomever did just that, because the other inexplicable and highly preventable tragedy of this outfit is the shoestring headband.

The last time I saw a person with a shoelace tied around his head, it was an old man on Halloween in a bar. With his shoelace headgear, he was wearing those horrible tiny running shorts from the 80s, knee-high socks with his shoes, and a tank top. And while we played a friendly game of pool, Old Man Shoelace suddenly leaned in to me, slurred that he was once the greatest lover a woman could ever hope to find, said he's always known he was an incredibly handsome man and that being good-looking has been something of a tough cross to bear, and shoved his tongue into my ear while growling something I couldn't understand, in part because he was a drunk lunatic and in part because his saliva was obscuring my hearing.

This was not a good Halloween memory. And so Emma Watson is not, perhaps, in the best company here with that shoelace on her head. I would very much like to implore her friends and family to rescue her from Old Man Shoelace's fate. She has a bright future ahead of her. Save her from being an Ear-Tongue Bandit.

Posted by Heather at 10:57 AM | Permalink


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