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November 23, 2005

AMAs Fug Carpet: Jenny McCarthy

Esteemed American recording artist Jenny McCarthy -- her big hits included, "I'm Gonna Stick Out My Tongue As Far As I Can And Then Jump Around (On Singled Out)," "Isn't It AWESOME When Hot Girls FART?" (with Cameron Diaz), and the top ten hit, "If I Never Shut Up Up, I'll Never Be Able To Hear You Tell Me To Go Away" -- seems to be under the misapprehension that the AMAs are a costume party:

And she's the sexy librarian in velvet gauchos! I swear, if I saw one of those on Halloween, I saw twenty.

Posted by Jessica at 12:45 PM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

AMAs Fug Carpet: Nicky and Paris Hilton

Am I the only one who finds it suspicious that NICKY Hilton is dressed like a Vegas call girl and PARIS Hilton is wearing something classy, demure, flattering and actually pretty?

Is this some kind of Sweet Valley High Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield Trade Places For the Day Because Jessica Really Needs Elizabeth to Pretend to Be Her To Get Out of a Scrape And Elizabeth Is Too Much of a Pushover to Say No type of thing? Like, is Nicky attempting to pass as Paris so she can later, say, break up with Stavros without accidentally sleeping with him on videotape first? She better watch out, because playing the Elizabeth to a Jessica Wakefield is dangerous. Next thing you know, Nicky Hilton is gonna get in a motorcycle accident and awake from a coma thinking she IS Paris and she'll start doing things like running around town with a monkey and then the only thing that will get her out of it, as avid readers of Sweet Valley High 7: Dear Sister know, will be if she happens to drunkenly roll off a coffee table and conk her head. Save yourself, Nicky! Everyone secretly hated Elizabeth Wakefield for being such an mealy-mouthed easy mark. Don't let Paris talk you into going out looking like the trashy one.

Posted by Jessica at 07:26 AM in Misc. Awards Shows, Paris & Nicky Hilton | Permalink

AMA Fug Carpet: Ashanti

Well, it's about time! I've been waiting for somebody to pay fashion homage to the Cleveland Browns football team, and it's only fitting that said tribute should come from another bastion of mediocrity.

Posted by Heather at 06:00 AM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink

November 22, 2005

Random Fug II: No Pants For The Wicked

Hang onto your hats, folks. This one's a doozy.

I know Jessica thinks she found the worst outfit ever to be featured on GFY, but I think I've topped that with the ensemble of one Ms. Courtney Act:

Ms. Act was apparently a contestant on Australian Idol 2, in addition to being the victim of a cruel genetic experiment that took Fergie's DNA, crossed it with Pamela Anderson's, rapidly aged the resulting mutation, and then let it escape into the wild.

Unfortunately, as we all know, mutations and credit cards don't mix. If you encounter Ms. Act, do not make any sudden movements, as she may become suddenly and violently confused about whether it's her dress, her head, or her breasts that are affixed improperly.  Simply telephone the touring production of The Spearmint Rhino Presents: The Nutcracker Suite, announce that you've found another extra for the Sugar Plum Orgy scene, and retreat to a massage parlor to get a foot rub.

Edited at 3:15 p.m.: Apparently, all of Australia is finely attuned to the Courtney Act PR Radar, and it pinged but good when this entry went up. We've since learned Ms. Act is a drag queen; however, although that explains the outfit away to some degree, it probably does not invalidate the theory about Fergie and Pammy's DNA. And the shoes still look like they're about to break his-her feet. And what is with that makeup, or lack thereof? It's almost as if he-she is a drag queen who isn't trying hard enough. Snap to it, Courtney.

Posted by Heather at 02:53 PM in Random Fug | Permalink

Random Fug

This woman, the so-called "Kate Fischer," claims to be some sort of model or actress in Australia.

Now, it's charming to think you can fit into the same things you wore when you were eight. Really. But when she was eight, that bunch of wooden beads probably didn't act as so vital a fabric-weight; here, its blessedly convenient location seems to be resulting in a pinning-down of the ruffles, lest a strong breeze blow right through her wind tunnel. Thank you, Bead Cluster.

[Whatever's about to metamorphose from that alien larva she's clutching will thank you mightily, too.]

Posted by Heather at 02:29 PM in Random Fug | Permalink

Chigafug

Okay,  Bebe Neuwirth. You are a great dancer. You have great legs. You look much younger than you actually are. You're very vital. We're all very impressed.

PLEASE PUT ON SOME PANTS.

Posted by Jessica at 02:09 PM | Permalink

November 21, 2005

Celebrity Bloat Watch: Prognosis Negative

The GFY Celebrity Terror-Watch Task Force today issued an APB on Jon Favreau's neck.

Favreau has been under watch for months now, stemming from his February upgrade to Threat Level: Severe. We here at the GFY CT-WTF want you, the public, to know that we're monitoring this situation incredibly closely to see if we need to create a new category, "BLOATAGEDDON: IT IS VERY HARD TO LIVE WITHOUT A NECK," in some sort of throbbing crimson hue.

We love you, Jon. This is for your protection.

Posted by Heather at 02:18 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

Tracy Fuggins

Hey, y'all! Have you heard about TEAM TRACY?


[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Hi! I'm actress Tracy Scoggins. You may have loved me on Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, as the chick who wasn't Teri Hatcher but who oozed sex. You might also have enjoyed my work in The Colby's as Monica, the Colby who oozed sex, or in Demonic Toys, Babylon 5, Asylum of the Damned, and Jury Duty: A Comedy, as the __________ who had a bright smile. Oh, and who oozed sex.

And if you did enjoy me in any of those things, or if you intended to but never got around to it because the VCR ate your tape of that one episode where Lois and Clark flirted and I panted a lot and wore tight things, then this is a call to arms. I need you -- YOU -- to join TEAM TRACY. I'm bored of doing jazzercise. I'm tired of sitting at home BeDazzling my own pants pockets while hurling rhinestones at Desperate Housewives. And I am two face lifts away from being Joan Rivers. I need HELP. I need a comeback.

And there is no time like the present: I'm clearly still as young and fresh as ever. I mean, I dress like I'm 10. I look like I'm 10... ish. If I left this party and hopped on a pink bike with Laguna Beach trading cards in the spokes and long pink and silver streamers sticking out of the handles, you would not blink. You would simply think I am young at heart and FAR TOO OLD to be washed up. By FAR. Plus, I'm about to appear in some of the best work of my life -- The Cutter, which is not about tragic teen angst but in fact about a detective who helps a jeweller. And it stars... wait for it... CHUCK NORRIS. Yes. The star wattage around this movie is intense, so it's never too late to start the campaign for people to use this as a springboard into getting me parts in things that people actually watch without feeling kind of dirty afterward.

So, invest now in a TEAM TRACY shirt, which you can wear to black-tie events, spinning class, or even to my agent's house if you feel like standing outside the gate with an accompanying sign that says, "Longin' for Scoggin'...s," or"You Can't Spell 'OSCAR' Without Several Of The Letters In 'TRACY SCOGGINS' And Then Also An 'R.'" We need to get me back on the list of Hollywood hellcats (I was even in a movie called Mr. Hell, if that helps). It's time, darlings. Put the Scog back in your hearts."

Posted by Heather at 12:34 PM | Permalink

Hayden Fugittiere

Have you ever wanted to gaze deep into the eyes of Fug?

Now you can.


[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Now, when you stare at The Fug, The Fug stares back.

Chilling, isn't it?

Posted by Heather at 11:24 AM | Permalink

November 18, 2005

Fugla Dern

Apparently, Laura Dern reads Go Fug Yourself and became mildly concerned that -- although it's unlikely -- the Kelly Lynch/Kelly Preston confusion might start to seep over in her blonde direction. And so she too is engaging in keep-away fashion:

It just goes to show you that the adage is true: People really will do (or wear) anything to avoid talking to Scientologists.

[That sound you hear is Mr. and Mrs. Holmes hissing at their fresh paper cuts, which came from them buying four of these and frantically cramming them into an envelope to send to Kat(i)e. I hate to say, though, guys, that it probably won't be good enough Scieno-repellant for your daughter; she's in deeper than even a melange of clashing boho hoo-ha can save.]

Posted by Heather at 10:30 AM | Permalink

 

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