December 15, 2005
Celebrity Bloat Watch: Luke Wilson
A sly reader alerted us to the fact that Luke Wilson might not just be The Non-Stallion Wilson, or The Non-Genius Wilson, or The Non-Crazy-Nosed Wilson -- he is also becoming The Non-Non-Puffy Wilson.
Research indicates that although this camera angle displays budding bloat better than others, it's not a swelling effect that is created by the photo itself. No, it seems that Luke is in danger of coping with not being Hollywood's most beloved Wilson brother by retaining whatever water he can find -- that way, at least he has something that Owen doesn't.
So the GFY terror-watch experts are nudging Luke up to Terror Alert: Blue, with a hearty warning that he's headed for the Yellow Brick Road (see Appendix) if he keeps this up, and thus is not too far from having to eliminate pretzels entirely from his diet.
Appendix: BLOAT WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART
MY GOD MAN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
Think about getting back on the smack.
Seriously, cut down on the sodium.
Maybe look into a seaweed wrap?
Keep up the good work.