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December 07, 2005

Fug Watch: Celebrity Hair

If you thought King Kong would be the most fearsome hairy thing at the premiere of the movie, you were wrong.

Dead wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a little portrait I like to call, "Validating Gillette":

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

What has Jack Black done to himself? He looks like he's spent the past 20 years tying women to the tracks and demanding that they pay the rent, but he's really sort of tired of that line of work, and he's both losing his passion for it and his energy, so he takes shortcuts by tying them to miniature train tracks and ordering them to watch Rent, and the only way he can live with himself is by crawling into the arms of Jack Daniels at the end of every night before he has to go out and do it all again.

Oh, but Craig T. Nelson will raise Jack Black one MULLET:

Oh, COACH. That thing is terrifying. Look, even your wife didn't want to be seen with it -- she's thought that staying in her house robe would keep you from bringing her.

Come on, give us a close-up -- prove to the people that it really IS your hair, and not just the incredible coincidence of a woman from the planet Gargantua standing behind you:

Oof. It burns.

Is this for a role, Coach? Tell me it's for a role. The mighty IMDb does not know about it, but that doesn't mean you can't comfort me right now by telling me that this is not a fashion choice, but rather an obligation. So come on, out with it. What's the part?  Trailer-Park Grandpa? An inmate on Prison Break who somehow is the only person in the entire place who can locate the very blade of grass that matches Michael's tattoo and magically unlocks the secret of how to break through the new steel pipe? Samson, in the fanciful musical-theater imagination of what is life with Delilah would have been like if they'd grown old together in a nursing home, entitled Twilight With Samson? A priest on Deadwood who likes his whores dipped in gunpowder? What? WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Posted by Heather at 11:29 AM | Permalink


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