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December 14, 2005

Kelly Fugbourne

Apparently, it's not just fugly that's the new pretty -- looking like you're headed down Carol Channing Ave. toward its intersection with Norma Desmond Blvd., complete with crazy face paint and a wig that looks like it's been bound to your skull, is ALSO the new pretty:

By all accounts, Kelly Osbourne is not actually an insane old lady who is clinging to her youth by trying to slap eighteen inches of cake makeup on her face, the better to both hide her age and maintain the sickly pallor that was so popular back when she was a girl. And yet, she is all done up like one, complete with that head thing that seems to be anchoring the hair in place, and foundation that's a clown-like shade of white. I'm fair-skinned myself so I'm attuned to jokes about being wan and looking like cold death, but... she looks like a complete moron. And maybe a dead one.

Kelly, let me level with you. You are pretty, and can look charming -- when you get it together. This is not one of those times. Perhaps it is I who is the old crone, because of what I'm about to say to you: Young lady, you need to march upstairs and scrape that gunk off your face RIGHT NOW, from the chalk to the Hollywood Blvd. lips to the other layers of chalk that you'll get to once you dig beneath the first three. And don't come down until you're all scrubbed, or else... um... I'll give all your Converse to the Salvation Army. You hear me, young lady? Don't hide your pretty face. And don't look at me that way. I just want what's best for you. When you're mother's out there talking about having sex with your father every night they're together, well, you don't need to put on a DEPRAVED face; you need your BRAVE face. Now go.

Posted by Heather at 07:21 PM | Permalink


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