Letter of Fug: Oh My God Y'all, It's My BIRTHDAY!

Hey everybody! We haven't talked in SO LONG, but I finally got a sec to myself and thought I would send y'all a birthday card from me, even though it's my birthday today, so I'm not really sure why I'm writing you a letter but I did have to buy my own presents from Kevin this year, so I guess age 24 is all about sisters doing it for themselves. I mean, I think I am going to have to do everything myself this year. Is what I meant.

ANYWAY, like I said, I finally got a minute away from my sweet little baby Sean and that big stupid baby Kevin and I decided, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna put on my pirate boots and my short little fur coat and get my fuzzy fur purse that my mom swears is just roadkill with straps, and go out and buy myself some stuff!

And along with all the stuff I went out and bought myself for my birthday today, I also got myself another birthday present and that is the house to myself for a while. It's just me and Sean and my mom and sometimes Jamie Lynn and also my staff and sometimes that cute gardner we have, and it is so so peaceful.  Yes, everyone, the rumors are true, I have asked Kevin to go elsewhere for a little while so he can FIGURE OUT WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS, but this is not some kind of Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey thing, we are not getting divorced, and Kevin is totally not moving in with Nick and that USC football player person like the National Enquirer said. I am just giving him time to MISS ME and also to GET A GRIP and stop PARTYING ALL NIGHT WHEN HE HAS AN INFANT AT HOME, LIKE, GOD.

Yeah, so, I guess what happened was that last week, I bought the baby to the Peninsula and I actually seriously had lunch with Justin (so he could meet the baby and also my new boobs, oh yes, I said it) and oh my god, don't tell anyone, but he is still SO CUTE and I sort of think I might still be in love with him but I am scared to say that aloud, but seriously, how can he really be happy with that skinny crackhead Cameron Diaz? I mean, for one thing, she is OLD, but anyway, he told me really really seriously that he thought I was better off without Kevin and I thought about it and I thought about it and I realized that Justin is right because Kevin totally doesn't even care about what happens in our family, like he just laughed that I time I thought the dog was having her brother's babies and I can't be with a man who doesn't understand that incest is wrong. Plus he keeps taking money out of my purse. So for my birthday I decided I should choose myself, just like Kelly Taylor, and see how that feels for once and you know what? SO FAR I LIKE IT.

So happy birthday to ME, Kevin. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW.

And if you think I'm giving you any of my money, YOU ARE WRONG.

LOVE,

BRITNEY!