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January 30, 2006

SAG Awards Fug Carpet: La Fanning

An open letter to the Fanning family:

Dear Fannings:

Congratulations! Nice job on the DNA -- you popped out one very talented young girl, and apparently her sister isn't awful either. You two are the Richard and Oracene Williams of child actors, although hopefully without the once-crippling sibling rivalry that would lead to speculation in 10 years that Dakota totally threw her performance in the remake of Armageddon because you both felt it was Elle's turn for Oscar recognition (which she would then choke and fall short of by failing to nail down the appropriate amount of grief during her starring turn in the remake of Pearl Harbor).

At any rate, well done. But you have got to stop dressing Dakota like one of those Madame Alexander dolls that were super popular back in the late 1970s and early 1980s. [They might well still be popular, but as dolls come in second only to clowns in unbearable creepyness, I have stopped keeping track.] I mean, look at her up there. She's a March sister on the verge of spinsterhood. I know she's eerily wise beyond her years, which will either come in handy when she's an adult and has to make her own life decisions, or come back to bite you in the ass when she marries a backup dancer with unsinkable seed and uncleansable seediness. But I do think she needs to have a bit more fun. Luckily we can't see any bloomers here, but I don't trust that they're not there. Unless she just walked off the set of a Bugsy Malone-style remake of The King And I, then that sort of garb is a wee bit old for your still-young child. She only has the eyes of a 30-year old, people. Let her look her age.

Sincerely, and also, props for keeping her from getting really messed up after her little-seen first-ever movie role in the Jerry O'Connell-Jake Busey-Shannon Elizabeth instant classic Tomcats,

The Fug Girls

Posted by Heather at 01:29 PM in Misc. Awards Shows | Permalink


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