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February 23, 2006

National Lampoon's Fug This

From the diary of Paris Hilton:

Deer diary,

So, it was my birthday. I totally made it to 25. Hott. Not everyone thought it would happen or that I would still be like all sexy and adored and stuff, but then there I was at the party dancing on a table and everyone was trying to touch me and shove flashing cameras up my skirt, so obviously I still rock even though I'm really old now. I'm old, diary. I'm, like, halfway to 35, which is so messed up, dude! That guy Paris I was engaged to -- wait, I should use a suedonym, huh? They call it that because you use them so people won't sue you when you talk about what boring dumbasses they were.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right. That ex of mine Paris "Paris" told me after we broke up that I wouldn't live to see 25 because my vagina would rot before then, but it hasn't,  or if it has I didn't notice and it didn't kill me, so SUCK ON THAT, Mr. "My Parents Won't Let Me Use My Greek Shipping Fortune To Buy Another Big Diamond For My Beautiful Fiance Because She's Just Going To Have To Pawn It When She Goes Broke In Three Years." Maybe my vagina is... that word for things that live through anything... what is that word... biopic! I have a biopic vagina!

But you know, diary, what really sucks is that for some reason people are starting to call Nicky the "classy" sister. I'm not really sure what's classy about wearing a dress that comes down to, like, your KNEES, and is WRINKLED and doesn't even have any cutouts on it. Also, and you didn't hear this from me, but she's totally worn those shoes at LEAST once before, which is such, like, a gnarly and Payless thing to do. SHE is the one who looks like she's halfway to 26, or whatever, not ME. I look all young and foxy and hott in spandex and lace! And anyway what's classier than LACE? The Victoria's Secret catalog I made some bellhop read to me while I put my clothes back on told me that lace is refreshingly feminine! And it is, because the dress looks like it's all long and shit, but really, thanks to the lace, you can still see all my business. And I am all about my business. People don't think I am, but I am. Or wait... am I "all business"? No, I'm pretty sure it's the other one. I don't know. I drank a lot tonight, diary, and the Red Bull is starting to wear off.

Maybe if I start to design clothes, instead of just that jewelry that was selling online somewhere and I don't remember where because I was really busy trying to convince everyone that Kimberley Stewart is as cool as that tramp Nicole -- although Nicole is NOT COOL, diary, so forget I just said that. But... I don't know what I was saying. Except that maybe I should design lingerie so that people stop acting like Nicky has a real career and I have a fake one just because I go on TV and drive around in a big customized bus. She draws on cotton and gets invited on that runway show? Whatever dude. I don't know why she'd want to go on a show with "project" in the title anyway. We have way more money than that. But I'm kinda tired of her getting to do stuff, diary. I want to be the one who has stuff! Although right now I mostly need some extra headlines that don't have to do with me being "stupid" (ha -- like they even know what that word MEANS), which is kind of why I wore a dress that totally showed off my bloat and even had an ugly patterened thing that basically frames it. That way, people will start wondering if I'm pregnant, and nothing makes people love you like getting totally knocked out. Or up? I think it's up. It's like Kimberley used to say:

Okay, I just sat here for 15 minutes trying to remember what she used to say and I don't think I ever actually listened to her once unless she was asking to borrow my outfits. She can't have this one. She needs to go get her own pregnancy headlines.

Man, it's only 5 a.m., diary, and I'm already tired. I AM getting old. Time to go to bed!

Kiss kiss, spit spit,


Posted by Heather at 12:23 PM in Paris & Nicky Hilton | Permalink


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