Zooey Fugchanel and the Ubiquitous Tights

I think Zooey Deschanel is adorable. At first, I didn't quite get her -- I think that's because I'm one of the only people alive who didn't like Almost Famous, and that's the first time I ever crossed paths with her, if you will. But since then, I've become charmed by her pretty eyes and her spunk (although, you know what, by now I bet she hates hearing that she's "spunky," so sorry about that, Zooey) and by the fact that she knows how to wear eye makeup a lot better than her older sister Emily does.

But one thing I will give Emily is that she does not, as Zooey has been, wear opaque black tights with everything. Often, with the wrong thing.

This looks like it was supposed to be a semi-glam dress, the effect of which was immediately ruined by the school-uniform-quality stockings and the fact that she's standing with her hips jutted out so far as to enhance the unfortunate "bloated or pregnant?" effect its billowy shape already has.

This one is supposed to be fun and flirty. Why the wintry gams, then, Zoo? If it's that cold, just wear a coat, or a dress with sleeves that doesn't bespeak spring. Or did you forget to shave? You know, I once thought tights could conceal that, too, until I realized my leg hair went ahead and poked out through them. Man, that was a rough day.

This one is especially egregious because every girl knows that a pair of tights' opacity is strained when you pull them up over the tops of your thighs. That's just how it goes. The key is not wearing a skirt that's so short you can see the color start to stretch into oblivion. That's, like, rule No. 2 of wearing opaque tights.

The first rule, of course, being: don't wear them.