April 13, 2006
The Jessifugcation of Ashlee
Okay, either Joe Simpson really hates Ashlee and wants to pretend she's Jessica, or he thinks Jessica is so early 2000s and is all set to replace her. Either way, his youngest child is inching ever closer to being able to assume the duties of Jessica Simpson should it be deemed that Jessica Simpson is unable to or incapable of performing them. [I personally feel that day has long passed us by, but Joe Simpson did not ask my opinion, so we're still stuck with her for now.]
At any rate, check out Assica at an appearance in Australia:
Long blond and wavy extensions, orange skin, signature pose, shrinking body that leads to a more dominant, prominent chin... all the hallmarks of Jessica are there. Assica has even chucked her punk clothes for something that looks ripped off from her sister's wardrobe. Now, all Joe needs to do is successfully marry her off to Ryan Cabrera, like he's been trying to do all along, so we can see if Newlyweds: When Pop Singers Collide II can FINALLY produce some little bundles of money to carry on the family name and pay for Joe's retirement castle.
Although if we go down that path, then it's only a matter of time before Assica gets linked some alpha-male star of an MTV show and then rumored details of the tryst will make the "ass" in her name all too literal, and then she'll have to put on a happy face for a year before getting a divorce and having a fling with, like, James Blunt, or something.
Joe! This path doesn't work! Stop her!