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May 15, 2006

Fuggis Hilton

Dear Dairy Divey DiarrheaHAHAHA Diary (phew),

That Girls Gone Wild dude had a birthday, so I decided to go, because I am a girl, and I'm totally wild, and, like, every guy who's ever seen me naked has totally looked at me that night and said, "Paris you're COMPLETELY gone," so I guess I am ALSO that. And, Nicky said she wasn't going to go, so that made my decision for me, since I'm sick of us posing together because even though we look kind of alike and I wonder sometimes if we are secretly sisternal twins or whatever, we are NOT identical twins, so we don't need to act like Mary-Kate and Ashley and stand next to each other all the time. I mean, God. Sometimes I just want to be all, "Nicky, do YOU have a fragrance?" and then, like, brush past her on the red carpet and go to a party that ONLY I am invited to and NOBODY ELSE except for a bunch of dudes and maybe Rachel Zoe or something because even though she's nice and likes to party, no one will want her instead of me because she is totally way too old to be having sex -- I think she's like 40 even though she says she isn't, and that's the age when I told Nicky I want to be put to sleep, and come to think of it, that is TOTALLY something only OLD people do, so why is it called youthinasia? Did it start in, like, the Asia party circuit? That sounds pretty rad actually.

Ahem. Anyway, so I figured Joe's party would be a good time to hit the circuit and troll for dudes with my new cleavage everyone is talking about -- I got bored with that Stabby Nachos dude and all that dumb relationship stuff, so I decided to go outside with my shirt hanging open to get everyone talking about whether I had implants. I am so smrt! To make sure everyone stares at it and not at my gold sneakers, I totally wore a cropped vest over my shirt -- it was Nicky's idea. She said something about how if I wore a short vest with a really long black tunic thingy pulled down over my hips, everyone would stare at me in disbelief, and that's awesome, because my cleavage is unbelievable... unbelivably hott!

Did I actually get implants? Ha! Silly Diary! I'll never tell, Diary, not even you! Because I don't trust that you won't go talking to Lindsay Hohan (hee) or Nicole Bitchie (hahahahahahahaha) or The Wimpsons (I am AWESOME today!!!!) or Icky Hilton (HAA, oh wait, that's Nicky -- I shouldn't say that about her because she totally holds back my hair still when I'm detoxifying).

So you'll just have to guess if my boobs are real any more... although if that dude with the big teeth plays his cards right he will totally know if they're real, if you know what I mean, and I think you do! (I'm going to nail him, is what I mean.) He kept staring at me with these huge eyes and at first it was scary because he didn't blink but after a while it turned super hott, because he obviously is in love with me and I am a really sweet and giving person and so I walked up to him and wrote my number on his year and told him that I love gnawing on carrots, and that I knew of a cool rabbit hole he could explore. Isn't that hott? I used that exact same line on Man Paris, although I don't want anyone to know that -- especially the dude with the big teeth. I want him to think he's my first. He's totally going to call, Diary. They all call.

Dangling some carrots (heee, I'm so naughty),


Posted by Heather at 05:39 PM in Paris & Nicky Hilton | Permalink


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