May 22, 2006
Letter of Fug: The Refuggening
Sigh. It's been a while since we talked, I guess. I just haven't felt like writing much lately. (Kevin is reading this over my shoulder and he just went, "or showering." I hate him. ARE YOU READING THIS STILL, KEVIN? I SAID I HATE YOU. I REALLY MEAN IT.
Okay. He went into the other room. I bet you ten dollars to do drugs, even though I told him that was NOT ALLOWED ANYMORE. I didn't even know he could read. Or make jokes. Although I don't think that one was funny AND the reason I don't get to shower very often is because every time I leave the room my baby falls on his head and then the police come and HOW DID I GET IN SUCH A MESS?)
So I don't have very much time to talk to you because Jamie Lynn is only watching Sean Preston until she has to leave for some party at Cameron Diaz's house. She promised me she would slip Justin the security code to the main house here in Malibu just in case he wants to come over and see me or kill Kevin in a jealous rage even though I do not advocate murder but I think she is just humoring me because she also didn't say anything mean when I left the house with my thong and my bra hanging out the back of my top and if that wasn't a cry for help like Dr. Phil talks about I don't know what is.
Anyway. I'm having another baby. Even though I keep screwing up with this one and no one will help me figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I am NOT EVEN 24 YEARS OLD, Y'ALL. I need some HELP. I need some ADVICE. All everyone is doing is making fun of me for not knowing how to install a car seat, like have you ever tried to read the instructions for one of those things? I think they write them in some foreign language and then translate them back to American. And I am pretty sure that everyone drops a baby now and then -- SERIOUSLY -- because babies are squirmy and you know what? I wasn't even the one who DROPPED him, that was SOMEONE ELSE. And I fired her and I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing and no one will help me with any of it and now I'm having another one and I am sure I will love it but I ONLY HAVE TWO ARMS.
And just between you and me, I was totally going to divorce him and then I found out I was all knocked up again, like HOW MAGIC IS HIS SPERMY STUFF? It's like RADIOACTIVATED or something.
But you should know that I am thinking about...things.
Because there are people who have babies with no husband, right? Like Meg Ryan has that cute Chinese baby now. And Angelina Jolie! She had TWO babies with no husband. And so does Sharon Stone and I am pretty sure that I am way smarter than Sharon Stone. So I am not saying that I am going to DO ANYTHING like that, AT ALL, but I am saying that I am aware that OTHER PEOPLE do things like that ALL THE TIME. If you KNOW what I MEAN.
Do you know what I mean? I mean I am going to be saying POPOZAO to that freeloader before you know it and BOY IS HE GOING TO BE SORRY.