June 16, 2006
Periodically, as their busy spa and Spider Club schedules allow, celebrity experts will join us to answer your questions about how to fug up your life as thoroughly as they do theirs. This week's expert has a doctorate in warbling with a specific focus on atonal droning, and has returned to school to study the latest advances in human cloning and how they can be applied to hair weaves.
Dear Aunt Fugly,
So I have a problem with my sister. That stupid bitch is totally stealing my life. It's like totally Single White Female over here, for real. Okay, like, you probably need some background on this. Like, when we were younger, I was totally the blonde pretty popular one. Everyone liked me. I had a great relationship with a really cute guy and I had a really interesting job and everyone thought I was totally fun and hot and stuff. And it's not like my sister was all like working in the gutter or something while this was happening. She was totally cute in like a really ugly kind of punk rock kind of way. Anyway, so things seemed like they were going really well for me, and my Dad even was like, "You are going to be the BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD" and it was AWESOME and then everything went really bad all of a sudden, Aunt Fugly. Like, really bad. Like, I kind of accidentally slept with some other people and my husband found out and even though he wanted to work it out, I decided to divorce him and THAT was a bad idea because he seems really happy now and I can't seem to meet anyone who treats me as nice as he did and also, I sort of can't stop eating Pizza Bites. But so I am having a really hard time, right? Like, I totally can't find a man AND I'm getting kind of fatter than I used to be and all the people who used to like me think I am totally lame now, even though I am acting EXACTLY THE SAME, and, like, this is the time when I need the support of my FAMILY, RIGHT? But instead of helping me find a new husband or something, my stupid sister goes out and gets MY OLD BLONDE HAIR and MY PRETTY POUTY LIPS and MY OLD HOT BODY and then she even goes and gets a NOSE JOB and now she's WAY BETTER LOOKING than me and all she ever says is that she just "wants to be happy" and I "made my bed" and I should "let her live her own life" and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Can't she see that right now what I really need is for her to be UGLY so I can FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF? I really don't think that's too much to ask. How can I make her see my point of view?
So Maybe I Shouldn't Have Hooked Up With That Jackass
Dear Haylie Duff,
Don't try to hide from me. It's you, right? It has to be you. I mean, okay, so Hilary copied you by going brunette instead of blonde, and she was always more famous than you, and I wouldn't know your dad if he wrote a song about himself and sold it to me for my next album (although that wouldn't happen -- I am a singer/songwriter, you know) and of course you were never married... but you are, like, the only person it COULD be. And, I want you to know that I TOTALLY feel all of your pain. I am a deep, deeply feeling person-- hello? I dated Ryan Cabrera, who is so totally into it and heartfelt, he is practically a fallopian tube! So pain is something that I can totally, like, get.
It sucks that Hilary dieted off all her baby fat so she could look as narrow-faced and toothy as you do -- it does, really. Because, wow, skinny drag-queen was totally your look, and it's really unfair that now she's rocking it harder than you do. I mean, I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings. I'm just being real.
But you know what I think, Haylie? I think the joke is on Hilary. Well, I mean, right now the joke is on you, because you are being cloned and she is kind of more popular, but in the long-term the joke will be on her.... well, probably on BOTH of you, but that just means that you won't be alone in getting laughed at, right? Which is good.
Seriously, any girl that is so uncomfortable in herself that she has to resort to surgery and hair dye and emaciation and LIES in order to look herself in the face and keep from strangling her goddamn sister in her big-nosed orange-skinned sleep... well, that girl is not a role model for young women. And I am an expert on that, because I talked to Marie Claire, and Marie Claire is totally the sensitive, thinking starlet's publication. At least, it is when you cannot get into People because you didn't give birth, get stuck in a well, cry with Matt Lauer, or give birth while stuck in a well crying with Matt Lauer, and when you can't get into Good Housekeeping because you don't think your housekeeper is very good.
So basically, you should sit your sister down and tell her that she is really a tragic figure. Good luck with that! I'm going to go pray on your whole situation, and give thanks that my own sister is so sweet and supportive and loving, and that we embrace our differences, and are two very, very distinct talents.
Kisses, and BE STRONG,
Dear Aunt Fugly,
I have a problem for you. I'm dating a man whose parents are really, really conservative. I am not: my hair is purple right now, and I have my nose, my navel, both eyebrows, and both nipples pierced. My boyfriend doesn't have any problem with the way I look, and it's never been a problem in my life (I am an executive at American Apparel, and I think they PREFER me to look sort of edgy). I love looking like this. For the first time in my life, I feel like my outsides match my insides, and I'm really happy. And my boyfriend and I are getting pretty serious. I think we might even get married.
I bet you can see where this is going: I'm flying out to Connecticut with him to meet his family, and I don't know what to do about the piercings and the hair. Should I take them all out and dress down to make his parents happy? I do want them to like me, because they have a good relationship with my boyfriend. But if the boyfriend and I get married, does that mean I have to take out all my piercings and dye my hair everything we visit my in-laws? I don't want to do that. Wouldn't it be smarter to sort of just hit them with me as I am right off the bat? I honestly don't know. What should I do, Aunt Fugly?
That is tough. Piercings and funky hair and stuff are totally perfect for those times when you want to say, "I am not not edgy," and then sometimes sweeter hair and less eyeliner and your sister's clothes are better for when you want to say, "I am not not not edgy." And, like, there's two sides to every story. See what I mean? You do.
But, you could take a page from the Duff sisters up there and make your sister look exactly like a preppy version of you, and send her off to meet the family. Or just ask your boyfriend what look he wants you to have, and then just do whatever he says. That way, everybody wins! Except you sometimes, but don't be selfish -- life is bigger than you.
I think I know what this is really about: You hate working at American Apparel, and you can't figure out why their stuff doesn't cost, like, $2 like at Forever 21, and anyway, WHO buys any of those mad ugly jersey dresses that they're selling?
Actually, my sister might. Which ... you know, maybe they are kind of cute! I'll take ten, in a variety of colors, okay? You can use your employee discount. Thanks!
Dear Aunt Fugly,
What should a nice girl wear to cut a bitch? If it helps, the bitch in question USED to be my best friend, before she started DATING MY HUSBAND. Neither of our divorces are final yet, and she's involved in a messy custody battle, so I really don't see how she has time to run all over Europe with MY HUSBAND, but APPARENTLY SHE DOES. I thought I would be able to just let this go and be the adult in this situation, but I really, really just want to choke her out. The question is: What does one wear in that instance? In my experience, whenever I've had to do something slightly nefarious -- for work, always, in the past -- I've worn a very, very short skirt and very high shoes, and let my roots grow out a bit. But that was a long time ago. What does a righteous bitch wear in 2006?
She Never Should Have Messed With Me; I Once Forced A Man To Commit Suicide So I Could Steal His Job
You might want to call Star Jones. She's a smart lady lawyer, I hear, and I think she may have cut more than one bitch on more than one occasion; she also can probably get you some bangin' Payless shoes so that you don't get blood on the ones that actually cost you money.
But I also think you should remember that violence is not the answer. The way mature people handle their disputes is not through rage or revenge, dear letter-writer -- after all, wasn't it Jesus Christ himself who told us, "Karma is a bitch"? No, the best way to purge yourself of negativity is writing very, very pointed songs with extremely thinly veiled references to the people who made you vengeful.
EVERYONE is doing it, dude. It's true. Check it: Lindsay Lohan hates the paparazzi ("Rumors"), I didn't steal her boyfriend ("I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend"), Britney broke Justin's heart with her vagina ("Cry Me A River"), Britney pines for Justin during every waking moment and half her unconscious ones as well ("Everytime"), my sister screwed around on Nick and it didn't bother him that much because he hated her by then with the white-hot fire of a thousand STDs but he was able to channel his imagined grief into a song that did well on iTunes for about three days ("Insert Name Of Song Here" -- my Dad wouldn't let me look it up or else I don't get my allowance), the Hanson brothers have a tragic addiction to food ("MMM-Bop"), and Fergie is not a man but could still potentially be a hermaphrodite ("My Humps").
So my point is, start a recording career. And also maybe call Star Jones. She is scary and might even cut the bitch for you for free.