Fuglycat Dolls

I'm a bit upset with whoever foisted the Pussycat Dolls upon us. As a burlesque act, I'm fine with them, but I didn't need a creepy made-to-order pop group version. I've already had a place in my heart for a pre-fab girl band, and it was the Spice Girls, and the boring, pointless Dolls songs and their unmemorable members can't quite compete with Sporty, Scary, Ginger, Baby, Posh, and "zig-a-zig-ahhhhhhh" in my book.

I mean, look at them. Not only are they trying really hard to be edgy and exotic, but half of them are just deeply discounted version of other people:

Girl On The Left looks like a distant cousin of Hilary Duff as reimagined by Anne Rice. Second from the left, we have a facial knockoff of Posh Spice (but dressed like Sienna Miller) from the years when she actually ate food that required chewing. Third from the left, we have a copycat Carrie Underwood in an S&M figure-skating costume. And second from the right, it's Christina Milian by way of Jennifer Beals circa Flashdance, when she wore that "shirt" that consisted merely of a backless, sleeveless tuxedo-style bib and random disconnected cuffs floating around her wrists.

The other two just look like drag queens. Old drag queens. I can't help it; that's just what they say to me. I look at the photo and think, "Wow, that must have been some rough road." They just don't work for me as completely as Spice did. Their music is selling like hotcakes (I imagine a lot of cheerleading squads are choreographing to "Don't 'Cha") and while it makes my ears bleed, I accept that's not the case for other people; however, I wonder how long they can last if nobody starts aspiring to their image. I can't see girls buying a doily bustier just because Anonymous Lead Singer Lady is wearing one, nor cutting off their collars and throwing the rest of the shirt away as an homage to Ms. Strangely Beals up there. But a lot of people tried to copy Sporty's garb, Posh's prim couture, and Ginger's sassy punk style. We also bought into their personalities. The Spice Girls made it work, made it original, made it marketable; the Pussycat Dolls are just sort of... there. It's all so average. Half-hearted. Who are those people up there, and why do I care if she's got real big brains but he's looking at her [BLEEEEP]?

Maybe they just need identities. Idiotic cat-themed identities that simple minds like me can use to identify one from the other in some kind of meaningful way. Like... oh, I don't know, Alley Cat, or, in the case of one or two, Tom Cat, if you get my drift (no relation to the Scientological marvel). I'm not sure if it would help, but maybe I could start to care, or even digest them better, if they broke themselves down into easily digestible pieces -- you know, succumb to the brilliance of a well-oiled, manipulative marketing machine instead of just trotting around as an indistinguishable, sort of shoddy, and oddly-dressed whole. (I mean... "Burlesque-themed" is one thing, but seriously, For Whom The Beals Tolls up there looks like she completed her outfit with construction paper.)

I am thrilled, though, that somebody finally cracked the quandary of how to keep one's feet cool while they're packed into black boots. Clearly, we just needed to cut out the toes. Peekaboo boots! It's so simple! Thank you, Undead Cat.