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July 04, 2006

Fugrates of the Fugabbean

Sure, we were born on mighty Canada Day, but until that's considered a North America-wide holiday, we have to settle for only July 4 being a federally approved day off. But, we'll take it, because any day that's essentially dedicated to scarfing barbecue and booze is our kind of holiday.

This stance on food, among other things, is where we apparently differ from Keira Knightley.

The British actress chose to celebrate the eve of her country's no-doubt-deliberate parting of the ways with its lumbering colony by firmly asserting her independence from nutrition.

You could open a can of corn with that shoulder blade (mmm, Keira -- sweet, delicious corn, with a pat of butter melting on it... come on, does this not sound at all appealing?).

And, you could probably open a bottle of beer by tucking it under that sternum and giving it a firm tug. Keira, Keira, Keira. The limp, plastic bronze rag of a drape you're wearing does nothing to create the illusion of health.

Here's a thought. Do you think it might be Orlando Bloom? Does he somehow carry an aura that automatically emaciates anyone he kisses? First, his girlfriend wastes away to otherworldly gaunt proportions, and now his love interest in Pirates (I assume; I admit, I missed the first one) is even more a bag of bones than ever. Does his tongue perform liposuction? Does he lean in and whisper huskily into their ears, "If I could feel your ribs, I would strum them like a guitar and make the sweetest music of your life," thus sending them into a horny dietary tailspin? Does every drop of grease from his oily hair contain magic metabolism boosters? Is he the secret of TrimSpa? Did Star Jones rub his hair on her belly and call the results "diet and exercise"?

At any rate, Happy Independence Day -- or, Happy Tuesday, depending on where you are. May you all wisely choose to consume solids.

Now if you'll excuse us, we have some food and alcohol waiting patiently for our undivided attention.

Posted by Heather at 12:11 PM | Permalink


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