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August 29, 2006

Celebrity Bloat Watch: Jeremy London

I haven't seen Jeremy London for a while; I remember him from being sort of cute and brooding on Party of Five, because by law every character on that show had to be both cute and brooding, but beyond that I lost track of him except to learn that he apparently spent two years on 7th Heaven.

That last tidbit may answer the question of how he came to be in his current condition.

Because when you sign a contract with 7th Heaven, that's when the shame spiral really starts, isn't it? Then comes the Little Debbie addiction, and the beer, and before you know it, Ivan Reitman has called to tell you that Andy Serkis is officially the wrong body type to be the base for a CGI Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in a Ghostbusters remake -- too lean -- so would you please consider stepping in?

Consider this a Threat Level: Orange, but with a tinge of hope, because maybe, just maybe, this was a slow bloating all in the name of whatever part he played in Basilisk: The Serpent King, which is now safely in post-production. And with that finally finished, perhaps a ritual deflating is on the schedule.

Be strong, Jeremy. Stay alive. Your metabolism will find you.

Appendix: BLOAT WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

SEVERE:

MY GOD MAN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.

HIGH:

Think about getting back on the smack.

ELEVATED:

Seriously, cut down on the sodium.

GUARDED:

Maybe look into a seaweed wrap?

LOW:

Keep up the good work.

Posted by Heather at 02:56 PM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

 

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