August 30, 2006
Celebrity Tanorexia Watch: Lucy Davis
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Office Worker Overly Inspired By Goldenrod Copy Paper
LOS ANGELES -- British actress and known tanorexic Lucy Davis, best known for playing Dawn on The Office, has been upgraded to "Tanorexia Threat Level: Severe" after accidentally tragically falling into a vat of iodine prior to walking the red carpet at the Emmy Awards.
Observers close to Davis called the incident a ghastly affair.
"It was a ghastly affair," one of them said, on condition of anonymity. "If she weren't my daughter, I'd have laughed and laughed, and laughed some more, but instead I had to pull her out."
Davis, 33, was once a nice, normal color, as exhibited here in a photo from 2005.
But sources say Davis became a self-tanning addict since her success on the UK comedy; recently, when her concerned family confiscated her spray-on bottles and had her barred from Mystic Tan, Davis tried to take matters into her own hands.
The results of her attempted tanicide were devastating.
Davis's discoloration is so bad, photographers say they witnessed a duped Gene Wilder wandering up to her on the red carpet and idly asking if she would please get back to twaddling the vernicious knid epidemic in the factory before they ate through his crates of Wonka Bars. He then demanded a command performance of "Oompa Loompa Doompety-Do."
"Nonsense," scoffed Davis's rep. "Everybody knows vernicious knids don't eat chocolate."
Despite concerns that the new skin tone ages her 10 years and frightened a small child, Davis's stained skin earned her at least one fan: The Fruit Of The Loom company plans to invite her to star in a series of commercials in which an orange joins their motley gang of singing, joking characters.
"It'll be perfect -- we won't have to pay a makeup artist," said a guy in a giant red apple costume, who didn't give his name.
If you spy her wandering around town, GFY HQ advises, attack her with a bottle of sunscreen, blindfold her, spin her around 40 times, and then release her into the wild too disoriented to find the nearest spray-on salon.
Appendix: TANOREXIA WATCH TERROR CHART
Suri Cruise -- as in, find her inescapable prison and lock yourself in it until your flesh tone returns.
The Simpson sisters
Hollywood Starlet whose agent gave her four gift-certificates to Mystic Tan
Sane, sensible person