August 21, 2006
Teen Choice Awards: Kristen Bell
From the desk of Ned Sofanegra, WHEE! Entertainment's online gossip columnist:
WHEN: Sunday. WHERE: The Teen Choice Awards. WHY: Aw, jeez, I may not be the youngest buck at the rodeo, but who doesn't want to sneak a peek-a-treat at the hottest of Hollywood? We're tawkin' brunette Britters, blonde Brittany a-twitter, and Sophia Bush no longer bitter. Plus, more Jessica's than you can fit in a bathroom stall.
And so that got me thinkin': Who would these sass-packed starlets want to spank over an open toilet? And who better to ask than TV's snarkiest sleuthy cutie.
"I don't understand a single word you're saying," said Crimson -- oops, Kristen -- Bell.
Nuts -- these cagey types just don't understand a good wish-and-bitch sesh, no? But I pressed on: "Tish and pish, you delish dish -- I'm saying', if you could palm a pouty, pert patootie, whose would it be?"
But K.B. didn't let me get the answer so E.Z.: "I have to go talk to, um, Kevin Federline," she said.
The dark-rooted cutie with the primly covered booty stalked, rather than rawked, the red carpet in an old lady's canary-yellow blouse and pants with a zipper so long it's already in syndication. And so while she hoofed away like a show-pony -- trying not to trip on her prim pants hem -- I called out to the Veronica Mars honey-pie, "Would you ever date a man as old as your fashion sense?"
She didn't answer. My bet? Depends which one, if you get the incontinent implication. I mean, which ornery oldie -- short of Jack himself -- would live long enough to work that zipper to its end?