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September 07, 2006

When Intern George isn't rubbing our feet, scrawling "Mr. George Fug Girls" on his Trapper Keeper, or peeling grapes that he then feeds us from a silver platter -- as we lounge on our chaises and swoon, "Dahling, WHITHER the fug today, I shall simply PERISH if Mischa Barton doesn't soon leave the house in a Value Village tee!" -- we sometimes let him answer our mail. And today, we decided to let him print some of his answers. We swear on all things holy (so, on George himself) that these are all VERY real e-mails we've received at GFY HQ, with names removed to protect the somewhat innocent.


E-mail #1

"You people are f***ing disgusting pieces of sh*t. Why do you have such an obsession with look's? Your f***ing inhumane creatures. Fugly? Good one! Look's dont last hunnie! It doesn't matter what we look like ok? What matter's is who we are as a person. I dont think anyone should be on this stupid f***ing site. Your site is disgusting, inhumane, rotten, cruel, full of lies, bullsh*t, random, stupid, ugly, and...HAHA! FUGLY TOO!

GET A LIFE YOU MORON'S! EAT SH*T AND CHOKE ON IT YOU DIRTY PIGS! I HATE YOU! DUMBASS'! GO BLOW A GOAT!"

Dear Friend,

You are upset. Let me hold you. It will be so very soothing. Then we can talk together about how I am living proof that good looks last, and last forever.

But, don't insult pigs. They're really very smart, sweet creatures -- loyal, great pets, and very tasty for breakfast once they're too old to be loyal, great pets. I could never betray one with a goat dalliance and I'm shocked you would ask such a thing of me.

Kisses,

G


E-mail #2

"wat up paris um... i was just wondering if u could send me a sighning ! NOT U FAT HOOKER SLUT HOOR BITCH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1"

Dear Friend,

You seem angry. Let me hold you.

Also, Paris Hilton is many things, but "fat" isn't one of them, okay? Let's not bog down our communication with deceit. That will only hurt us in the end.  True love cannot prosper on a foundation of LIES.

Cuddles,

G


E-mail #3

"How the f**k could you say all of those mean and harsh things about Jessica Simpson???? You must just be jealous cause you know you can never look that good!! I do have to admit i hate how she has been betraying herself lately with maxim and other things ,but still i would like for you to respond back to me what you really hate about jesscia simpson i know you have already said everything but do it again if you hate her so much!!! "

Dear Friend of Jessica Simpson,

I don't know -- I think I look pretty good, sweet lady, and I think you'd agree. So let's not sully our time together with random insults, or hate, or talk of what's wrong with Ms. Simpson -- the details of which you already know, and which so aggrieved you that I can't believe you want them repeated.

No, let's make a little space in time that's just you, me, my villa in Lake Como, and my warm, warm embrace. Instead of getting upset, just let me hold you. I am quite dapper and I smell fantastic.

Smiles,

G


E-mail #4

"hey whaaaaaaats ur you fugers. "

Dear Friend,

I'm not sure I understand the question. But if you're upset, I recommend just looking at my picture for a few minutes and your blood pressure will drop like a stone.

In suavitude,

G


E-mail #5

"you must be really fameis can you call me here is my phone number [REDACTED] "

Dear Friend,

Now, here is where I must breach my calm facade -- although I would very much like to fix this with a hug, I must ask: What are they teaching the youth of today, that people are e-mailing their telephone numbers to strangers on the Internet? Are we still beset by that plague? Have the stories of tragedy in People magazine taught no one of these evils?

Listen to Hip, Hot Uncle George, kids: I don't want you to send personal information to people you don't know. It's not safe and I WILL NOT HUG YOU if this persists. Do you hear that? Go sit in the corner and think about a life without my soothing arms, and I know you'll do the right thing.

A very stern -- but also loving -- frown,

G

Posted by H & J at 01:13 PM in Intern George | Permalink

 

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