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October 30, 2006

Fug the Cover: Jessica Alba

There is no doubt that Jessica Alba is a pretty, pretty girl.  (We've also heard that she's a crazy bitch, but who are we to judge her for that? In fact, it sort of makes us want to get a beer with her.)  So why does she look like this on the cover of Elle?

There are several possible explanations:

a) She's a huge Janet Jackson fan, and instead of, say, getting a nice military-inspired jacket, or randomly flashing her left boob at nationally televised events, she decided to pay homage to Janet's disastrous W cover.

b) Nina Garcia hates her, and this is her revenge. (Okay, okay, we know that Nina Garcia probably doesn't have the final say on Elle's cover, but don't you love the idea of her sitting in her office -- twirling her highlighted locks like a more feminine version of a handlebar mustache -- and saying, "AT LAST, Alba! Your neck is MINE. MWHAHAHAHAH!" ? And while we're on the subject of Nina Garcia, now that she's pregnant -- contrary to popular belief, we are not entirely cold-hearted and actually love babies, especially fashionable ones, so we're totally pleased for her -- we're worried that she might not have the energy to get around to sneering at everything she'd like to sneer at.  In which case, we're here to offer our sneering services: Call us, Nina.)

c) She got some incredibly bad beauty advice from a hack plastic surgeon, who advised her to get a neck-ectomy, because "shoulders are HOT for fall."

d) She's in full-on Method acting mode for the lead role in a gender-bending version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, called Hottie Hunchback.

e) Tragically, all of the above.

Posted by Jessica at 12:20 PM in Fug The Cover | Permalink


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