AMAs: Fug The Alarm

Poor Assica. So unprepared was she for the exertions of being The Favored Simpson, she completely forgot to wash her hair and have Ken Paves rip out her ratty extensions. Which is why Joe should never have allowed her to stand next to somebody who probably has two shampooers, three professional weaveologists, and six personal hairbrushing lackeys on her staff.

Ms. Knowles, on the other hand, has made the intriguing style choice of borrowing her pumps from a West Hollywood impersonator named Beshlongce, who we imagine croons tributes like "Bootyvicious," "Humpin'," "Saliver," and "Rim the Alarm" while dancing on top of a Cadillac parked outside Rage.

She is also apparently beginning to see some advantages to gallavanting around town in buttock-length skirts:

This awards season, make it The Year Of Never Having To Lift Anything Up Over Your Hips When You Need To Use The Restroom.

Indeed, thanks to this helpful poster-worthy photo, we expect that in 2007 all the various academies, societies, groups, clubs, and Elks Lodges will launch a campaign to install latrines right into the auditorium seats themselves. Think of it: No more televisually inconvenient seat-fillers; no more awkward Christine Lahti moments where the recipient is accidentally (or just pessimistically, I suppose) spending his or her category's precious air time as a chance to visit the facilities.