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November 29, 2006

Celebrity Skeeve Watch: Billy Crudup

This has been brewing for a long time at GFY HQ, but today, the Terror Watch squad would like to announce officially that Billy Crudup has been put on a high "orange" alert (see Appendix below) for his escalating skeeve factor.

Crudup has struggled mightily with facial outcroppings in the last two years, perhaps under the mistaken impression that his unlikely appeal in Almost Famous would maintain itself through whatever follicular configurations he debuted. But, he was wrong. Very wrong. It doesn't help that he and dreary-guts Claire Danes have had to spend the last little while as Those Cheating Pregnant-Lady-Leaving Bastards, but even without the taint of that nasty little situation and their ensuing collective frowning and aura of total boredom (like, "Uh... well, guess we'd better stay together, then, since everyone's watching... pass me my vibrator? Thanks"), we would still be completely grossed out by the amount of oil he's stockpiling in his hair. Not to mention the rust-colored moustache that, against every bit of my free will, makes me think of... look, I can't bring myself to use the proper term for this act on our site, so let's just say it's reminisce of the kind of painting party only South Park's Mr. Hanky could throw.

So, Billy, to borrow from your Mastercard commercials:

Shampoo: $5.99

A Gillette Fusion (you are going to need all 5 blades): $9.99

Shaving cream: $2.29

Not looking like Kevin Federline's older brother: Priceless (yet also a very affordable $18.27 plus tax, so why the haste?)

Additional Note: The GFY Terror Watch squad would also like to announce that Wilmer Valderrama has been ejected from the "Guarded" category for looking really rather presentable lately, and not at all as if he hasn't slept in three days. Congratulations, Wilmer. He has been replaced by Chad Michael Murray, who, while appearing relatively physically clean, is a Hilton-banging cheating douchebag pig-dog and therefore merits placement on the scale.

Thank you, and remember: Practice constant vigilence.

Appendix: SKEEVE WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

SEVERE:

Kevin Federline

HIGH:

Brandon Davis

ELEVATED:

Michael Madsen

GUARDED:

Chad Michael Murray

LOW:

Jake Gyllenhaal

Posted by Heather at 11:29 AM in Celebrity Terror Watch | Permalink

 

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