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November 30, 2006

Fugeron Diaz

"Just stay cool, Diaz. Keep it together. I know Justin SWORE that it's not Britney who's been sending me those threatening letters with the words spelled out in magazine and newspaper clippings, which are signed, 'Luv, Britney,'with a little heart dotting the 'i', but I still think it might be her... He said she's not that dumb, but dude, has he SEEN her lately? She's practically writing her own Dumber and Dumbest movie with that Hilton chick, and I'm sorry, but she is NOT the type of person who can eat anything she wants and stay thin, which we all know I am, because any profile written about me between about 1999 and 2004 mentioned that, in addition to how often I like to belch. So he's better off without her and if she wants him back -- how did the letter put it? "I'M GOING TO HIT THAT, BOY-NAME, INFINITY MORE TIMES" -- she's going to have to work on her metabolism and all the burping, because Justin wants a REAL woman. But even though all the security guards know to watch for her, I'm still kind of nervous that she's going to run up and dump a vodka-Red Bull over my head. Maybe this was the wrong outfit. I can't run away in these pumps, and I'm not exactly hard to spot in this shiny gold fabric. In fact, I look kind of like I skinned two throw-pillows that I found at a Joan Collins Estate Sale and turned them into a dress. Why did I DO that? Why didn't Justin TELL me it was bad? Does he not CARE any more? Does he WANT to get back together with the Cheeto factory? DIDN'T HE SEE HER STUPID SHOW? I... phew, okay, Diaz, deep breath. Remember, we talked about staying cool. Just stick your hands on your hips and smile, and trust that one of those cops with tazers will zap her if she tries to get close. And, note to self: If everything goes fine, and you get inside safely, steal one of those tazers to use later on Jude Law. You know it's gonna come to that."

Posted by Heather at 12:05 PM | Permalink


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