Fugly: Fully Loaded

Dear Angelina Jolie,

We here at GFY would like to congratulate you on all your humanitarian work. We are happy you've made philanthropy the new black; there are worse things to make trendy, that's for sure. Like, say, formal shorts. So well done for giving a nice chunk of your personal fortune to international causes, and for opening your heart and your home to children in need.

Indeed, Angelina, it's the latter quality that has prompted our letter. There is somebody in desperate need of a mother, a real one, and since you seem to care about your children very much, perhaps you can widen the sexy Jolie-Pitt familial embrace to include one more person in peril.

Warning: This photo isn't safe for work, or for Maddox. So send him out to play on his ATV with Brad before continuing.

Angelina, this girl needs adopting. Fast. She seems cursed. She's jumped through all these hoops to claim she's sober now -- although it's not auspicious that she talked about how she's been to AA for a year in the same breath with which she trumpeted being on the wagon for all of seven days -- and yet she is still having no trouble going out in public and doing something regrettable. Like, say, not checking her opacity levels. She's inviting all the world's armchair plastic surgeons to weigh in on whether they're real, fake, formerly fake and now deflated, or formerly fake, deflated, then reinflated. As insane as it sounds, there are SOME people left in Hollywood who hadn't seen her nipples before, and didn't need to, and indeed hoped she would use that newly vacant drinking hand to pick up a fistful of dignity.

We hate to say it, but she's starting to spend just enough time in Tara Reid territory (well, except for how she gets work and has real talent) that she might start owing rent soon.

You can see now how much help she needs, right, Ange? Sure, she has a mother, technically, but we don't think she'd notice if you handed her some adoption papers -- especially if you delivered them by stapling them to the abs of a virile 22-year old. Frankly, we considered doing this ourselves. But we think you are a better fit for her. Sure, we think strapping her to a couch in front of 90210 reruns might be good for her -- especially because we're getting to the part where Brenda finds out about Dylan and Kelly and screams at them that she hates them and never wants to talk to them again -- but on a grander scale our advice wouldn't quite come from the same realm of common experience as yours. Consider it -- you too were a wild child with prodigious talent, like your prospective daughter here, but you managed to come out the other side. (We hope. It certainly looks good.)  And you have the cash resources to help clear Lindsay's head. We don't, and we wouldn't want to take her into our homes and make Promises we can't keep, if you get our subtly capitalized drift.

Anyway, please consider our proposal. Just think of it as an investment in babysitting -- if you turn her into a responsible human being, you and Brad can have all the free weekends you want. It's a bargain!

Good luck.

Regards,

The Fug Girls