Fug Pie: An Imaginary Missive From Chris Klein

"Hello, I'm Chris Klein.

I know, you've all been wondering what I've been up to lately.  Well, right now, I'm at Sundance, promoting some movie I made, the title of which I can't actually recall. I've also been cultivating a haircut that I think makes me look dashing and debonair, sort of like a 21st century Peter O'Toole. My girlfriend keeps telling me to cut it, though. She says she wants me to look the way I did in Cruel Intentions. I wasn't in Cruel Intentions, but I haven't told her that, mostly because she's finally completed the last steps in my Anonymous Starlet-to-Katie Holmes Transformation Process (Patent Pending). Check it out:

Pretty awesome, right? From a distance, it's like they're totally the same person. I just squint a little bit and it's like Katie never left me for Risky Business on the sofa over there. Sometimes, this one even calls me "Pacey," just like Katie used to. She also apparently has some role on a television show playing a slightly naive girl in a relationship with a dude who's kind of self-absorbed and into other women. I don't know -- I don't watch it, just like I didn't watch Dawson's. It's seriously been an almost seamless transition from the Original Katie to Current Katie. I know: you want to know how you can get a Katie Holmes of your own. Imagine the possibilities: she could read your  Dawson/Pacey slashfic to you after tucking you into bed. Or she could clean your house in the nude, if you're into that kind of thing. Or you could jump on your couch and then drag her out of the bedroom to tell her how amazing she is and how much you love her, which is actually pretty sweet, especially with Valentine's Day coming up. It's really up to you. The good news is that the Anonymous Starlet-to-Katie Holmes Transformation Process (Patent Pending) is going to be available on HSN on February 1st, for the low, low price of three payments of $39.99 each. (Anonymous Starlet not included, but the good news is that I'm pretty sure any girl who's ever spoken in public works.)

Thanks for checking in, America. I had a rough couple of months there, but as you can see, I have totally bounced back from my break-up with Version 1.0 and I am happier than ever before."