January 04, 2007
Letter of Fug: Part REVENGE
I know it's been a while, but listen -- I've been real busy with things. And I know a lot of y'all think I've been acting real trashy since Kevin and I split up, but listen, it was a ROUGH TWO YEARS THERE. Sometimes a girl just need to take her vagina out for some air, and that's all I was doing, so maybe you shouldn't judge me so much because if you'd been married to Kevin Federline for however long we were married, you would go on a binge later too. Anyway, I had this whole thing planned out where I explained WHY I stopped wearing panties for a little while and WHY I was pole-dancing with Paris Hilton and stuff, but then I found this, and I need to take care of it, first:
LISTEN PARIS: YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN. I mean it. YOU STAY AWAY. OR I WILL TOTALLY CUT YOU. Everyone thinks I'm so dumb, but these are things I know:
a) Justin is single again
2) You and I are friends all of a sudden
3) you totally love to hook up with your friends's ex-boyfriends. Like you took Stabby Nachos, if that is in fact his real name, from the little tiny Olsen. And then you did the same thing to like four other girls and their boyfriends that I can't remember anymore.
d) ERGO: You are TOTALLY going to try to hook up with JUSTIN NOW. DON'T DENY IT. I KNOW YOU ARE. I KNOW IT. AND THAT IS BULLSHIT. IF ANYONE IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER -- OR TOGETHER...OR WHATEVER -- WITH JUSTIN, IT IS ME. ME! ME ME ME ME ME.
So I mean it. Stay away. Get away. Get far away. Because that skinny little Olsen girl is too little to screw with you, but I am NOT. I have still got some baby weight and I will use all of it to RIP OUT YOUR SKANK EXTENSIONS. You MIGHT be able to talk me into pole-dancing naked in your rec room or whatever, but I am NOT going to let you get away with THIS. I have been PLANTING THE SEEDS OF REUNION (I heard that on a commercial for Days once) for like FOUR YEARS and you are not going to UNDO IT ALL. You might have a deal with the DEVIL -- oh, I said it. I think you're THE BRIDE OF SATAN and I really mean that like FOR REAL, not metaphorifically , I think you ACTUALLY WENT INTO HELL and took Satan's hand and pledged to serve him for ALL ETERNITY and wore a veil and everything -- but I sang "Oops, I Did It Again," and I'm just as rich as you are and if I have to fight THE DEVIL to get Justin back, I WILL.
PS: I really mean it.