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January 31, 2007

Well Played: Reese Witherspoon

Britney Spears could learn a thing or forty from Ms. Reese Witherspoon. And not just about how to wield talent, or how to be a loving and attentive mother in Hollywood.

No, she could learn something very specific about The Bounceback: how to rise above a pending divorce without needing to run around town caked in hangover sweat, changing your hair color every four hours but leaving no doubt as to which curtain color matches the carpet because you can't resist airing out all your bits.

Reese Witherspoon kept a low profile until her divorce news died down in favor of stories like, "Britney and Paris: Lovers, Fighters, or Both?" and "Hollywood Nose Jobs: Name That Septum."

And then she showed up on the awards circuit in a series of understated but glam cocktail dresses that show off how toned and trim she is, looking as if she doesn't have a care in the world. She also refrained from shoving her tongue into the mouth, ear, or other assorted oriface of the first guy who looks like her ex/looks like he smells like her ex, or even the second guy she met who fit that criteria. Indeed, she appears to be taking it all in stride and putting bedhopping at a relatively low priority. Whether that's true or not is all her own private business, but the point is, she's done a bang-up job of putting up a public facade of normalcy and class.

However, I will say this: She'd better not drop any more weight, because Reese is getting to that familiar point where she is too skinny for her chin.

See? It's just very... chinny. Which is an incredibly eloquent observation, I know. But her face just needs to carry a little bit more weight to avoid the ol' wicked-witch chin.

So here's my solution: Britney and Reese should become best buds. Reese can teach Britney how to dress, how to behave herself, how to rise above a split gracefully and without providing five tomes' worth of custody-case evidence in favor of her rat-pig ex, how to dial it down a few notches and be photographed taking her kids to the beach or to a playdate or shopping, and how to stop overprocessing her hair; Britney can repay the favor by teaching Reese how to eat enough Cheetos that she takes the edge off her chin. Ms. Spears would thusly up her social profile and her personal hygiene, and Reese comes out of it all looking like a Nobel Prize eligible humanitarian with a face that's got just the right amount of softness.

Everybody wins!

Oh, but Reese: Careful with the cocktail dresses at the Oscars. They were fine for the first two bashes of the season, but don't get stuck in a rut here, okay?

Posted by Heather at 08:49 AM in Well Played | Permalink


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