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March 26, 2007

The Fug and the Fugliful

"Hi. I'm Ridge Forrester.

"You might remember me as the, ahem, young fashion magnate from the reality show The Bold & The Beautiful, a decadent half-hour of dead-on documentary honesty about the dog-eat-dog fashion industry and the sex-crazed people who run it from their lush offices in L.A. while their wives die and then come back to life a few times. I am rather sure I represent the 'beautiful' side of things on this docudrama, what with my chiseled cheeks and the daring bandanna that's cutting off my oxygen supply. I mean, I've married eight times, seven of them to the same two women (hey, I'm consistent! And loyal... ish!), so I must be pretty foxy, right? Especially since I'm still with one of them even though I inadvertently raped her last year, which... look, it happens, okay? Sometimes you trip and fall, and in it goes, and, well, awkward! But we're fine now, and I'm ensuring us a happy ending by previewing here my newest collection, which is going to make us millions of pennies. It's called Lounge Lizard. We're targeting karaoke competitions and a few off-strip Las Vegas casinos, as well as any place that has a hot dog stand inside, like most mini-golf venues, because you can spill all the toppings on some of these shirts -- like mine! -- and no one will ever notice. So don't worry about ol' Ridge Forrester, Fickle Love Whore, because I have got it ALL under control. I am young, SO VERY YOUNG, and I'm in love with the blonde one, or at least I think that's the one, and I'm about to slither around on top of a grand piano singing 'Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You.' Life is perfect."

Posted by Heather at 12:03 PM | Permalink


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