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April 27, 2007

Fug The Poster: Michelle Williams

Based on this description, would you go see this movie?

"A Gainesville Florida auto upholsterer attempts to transcend his mundane life by taming a wild, red-tailed hawk. He chases his passion while caring for his autistic nephew, and becoming caught up in an abstract and uneasy relationship with a young psychology student." [Source.]

I can tell you right now that I would run, not walk, away from the theater. I mean, obviously, it's incredibly relatable to try and spice up your life by taming a rare bird, but I am guessing the random insertion of the young psychology student came because whoever developed the script turned to the writer and said, "Where are the boobs in this movie? Where is the illicit tongue? People like illicit tongue more than they like birds." Incidentally, that is a valuable lesson for everyone to remember. Otherwise, the whole thing seems rife with depressing and potentially pretentious discourse about growth, plus annoying metaphors about wildness versus obedience and the spreading of one's wings. And bird feet. Lots of bird feet.

Next question: Does this poster make you any more inclined to see the movie?

Problem No. 1: It's Giamatti, which means the movie description left out the important detail that the Gainsville auto upholsterer is a sad-sack Gainesville auto upholsterer. He may be a great actor, but that doesn't mean I haven't reached my limit of watching him be short-but-deep streak of misery.

Problem No. 2: Michelle Williams has no eyebrows in that picture. Seriously, that girl is lovely, and yet she looks consumptive -- as if they left out from the description that the young psych student is being devoured from within by her own inner demons, and also, possibly some kind of rare and debilitating navel cancer. Who did that to her? Did the old Dawson's Creek hair and makeup people take over the production of this movie poster? She reminds me of my other official Eyebrow Nemesis: whoever was responsible for Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed, where they got bleached clean off the planet.

Problem No. 3: It reunites DC's Jen Lindley with her greasepig freshman boyfriend Henry, a.k.a. Michael Pitt. Down that road, agony lies.

Problem No. 4: No, seriously, what did they do to Michelle Williams? Do humble students suffering through abstract relationships with sad-sacks never go to the drugstore to spend $2 on some Wet N Wild lip gloss and some Maybelline Great Lash? I object.

In sum, I really don't understand why they would decide Michelle Williams is one of their most important marketing tools for this movie, and then make her look as if you will spend the whole time wishing you could take her to Rite-Aid and/or crying over her sensitive wisdom while she dies all over the place, or falls in love with the autistic nephew, or makes out with Giamatti.

No. She should be a selling point, but she's not in that picture.

Posted by Heather at 01:21 PM in Fug The Cover | Permalink


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