April 02, 2007
Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Hilary Duff
Hilary Duff has been looking so much better lately. She's gotten a little needed meat back on her bones -- her giant veneers look much better and less Wererabbit-y when she has more flesh on her chin -- and she's developed a pretty reliably chic sense of style. She's also working an edgier brown hair color, she's got an album that's juicily pertinent to her breakup with Joel Madden (so even though she can't sing, we are guaranteed to want to listen to some of it), and let's face it, even if she secretly is a big ol' cokehead cow, we have to respect her for being that privately and not rubbing our noses in it by rubbing her nose all over the toilets in Hyde.
But for every ten steps forward, there is always one skid back, and La Duff is no exception.
I'm not always huge on yellow simply because I can't wear it myself without looking like I'm diseased, but with the dark hair Hilary can pull it off, and the dress itself is sweetly retro. But the problem is, she's forgotten that she has no neck. Which is fine; many people don't. I'm not exactly a swan myself. But when you are short on neck, you need to be long on caution, and avoid dresses that choke up on it and make what little you have disappear. This one does that and more, pulling awkwardly around her shoulders and chest, giving off the effect that she has eagerly and carelessly tied a large napkin around her neck in anticipation of the messiest lobster dinner in history.
Maybe she's just still depressed about breaking up with Joel Madden. Perhaps she needs a rebound guy -- someone better. That Shia Le Boeuf kid seems popular. The dude who was in Mean Girls is dreamy. What's Josh Hartnett up to these days? Or better, Jake Gyllenhaal? They're in different fame and talent leagues, but maybe it'd be a cross-caste romance the likes of which we haven't seen since Romeo and Juliet defied their warring families. Of course, SPOILER, those wacky kids died in the end, so we'll need to avoid too many story similarities. Still, give it some thought, Hil, if you need a nice diversion. Just ignore any advice from the Olsen twins or else you'll be dating a shady 38-year old "club promoter" and nobody wants that.