The Number Twenty-Fug

For the past two days I've had that Corey Hart song "Sunglasses at Night" in my head for no good reason. When I was younger, and in fact possibly as recently as yesterday, I thought the lyrics were, "I wear my sunglasses at night // so I can, so I can // watch you eat and breathe your... something-something." In short, I thought he was a creepy stalker asshat who didn't want to be recognized, so he wore shades to facilitate his life as an icky peeping tom -- and not in a charming, bumbling, hit-by-a-car-in-the-street George McFly kind of way. [And on a related note, I was thrilled to learn through the Wikipedia grapevine that Corey Hart turned down the role of of Marty McFly in Back To The Future, because that reckless lack of foresight led to the part being handed to its true density, Michael J. Fox, and also, it might have ruined the movie for me if I'd grown up thinking the man behind Marty was spending the rest of his time singing about watching me eat and breathe. I mean... no.]

Anyway, my point is, I had that song in my head. And through that I realized I didn't know the words, so I looked them up, and that's when I found out "Sunglasses at Night" is actually supposed to be about a dude living in a police state, and he is not, in fact, watching the girl of his dreams inhale both air and Cheerios through her window while he hides behind his Ray-Bans.

Not five minutes after that stunning revelation, I came across this photo of Virginia Madsen. And suddenly it all came together, and for the first time, I began to see some sense in wearing sunglasses at night (a sequence of events and thoughts that is both lame and completely true; welcome to the train wreck of my mind).

Oh, Virginia. I'm almost speechless. Almost.

The hair looks a bit like you just came from the gym, but let's skip over that in favor of attacking the more grievous offense: the dowdy pea-soup colored dress with matching shiny accents. It evokes nothing so much as a mother-of-the-bride sale at David's Bridal. Combined with the neon lipstick, the brightness is so potent that I'm actually wincing and averting my eyes. And presumably, forcing people to look away from you kind of defeats the purpose of showing up at a highly photographed event in the first place. So I hope you didn't cut off the tags, Madsen -- David's might actually let you return it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write a thank-you note to Corey Hart for his disregard of the Back To The Future script. It all happened as it should have -- nobody could've played that part like Michael J. That kid was MAGIC.