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August 06, 2007

Fug Brother UK

In some ways, I miss Big Brother UK. I'm hooked on the U.S. version this summer, and the editors are typically smart and funny about the way they put the episodes together, but there's something so divinely unwatchably hilarious about the unpolished British version, which feels like raw footage stuck together by a monkey and then beefed up with voice over that says, "Geoffrey has been making a sandwich for 10 minutes," or "Jazz has been in the bathroom for an hour." I wanted to rip my ears off during the five-minute chunks I was able to digest, and yet, I look fondly upon the whole thing and often wish I could toss my least-favorite U.S. contestants into the fray over there. The voice-over would be all, "Amber has been crying for 52 hours." And the Brits would eat Kail alive. 

Luckily, we run across photos of the evictees, so it feels like keeping up with Big Brother UK without actually having to watch it. On that tip, meet Shanessa Reilly. Her "likes" are listed as sex, hair extensions, and squeezing spots, and she allegedly once revenged herself on an ex by piercing his ears while he was asleep. [He must have been passed out, or else he could not have been asleep for very long.] She also presumably enjoys dressing like the lead singer in a naughty Dreamgirls revue being staged in a back alley in London:

I like to think that, during her final episode, the voice-over guy spent a lot of time saying things like, "Shanessa has been flashing her labia for 40 minutes," and "Shanessa has needed to go to the bathroom for 18 minutes." That dress is one serious anatomy lesson. And I'm sure that, on some level, mad scientist Tina Knowles is pissed she didn't think of it first. Move the slit over to the right and add more glitter -- or, better turn it all into hot pants -- and that might've ended up on-stage at the VMAs.

Posted by Heather at 02:01 PM | Permalink


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